NEWCON 4

Just bought my ticket for Newcon4, 11th and 12th October 2008. Looks like it's going to be a really good gig, with Iain Banks, Storm Constantine, Ian Watson and Ken MaCleod amongst others. And of course, much beer :-) And Mark Newton's humorous shirts!!

Below is a write-up of Newcon3, last years event, just to whet your appetite:

On October 1st and 2nd, in Northampton’s gorgeous NeoGothic Guildhall, the members of Northampton SF Writers Group presented NewCon3, a convention on the theme of progress through time. Consequently H.G. Wells was present, and the compère throughout was the jolly and effervescent official Town Jester of Northampton (sometimes on stilts of bendy metal) who brought along his ladder of swords and his bed of nails, which made a considerable impression on those who volunteered to try it out, such as Simon Bradshaw and Ian Watson, about 200 impressions each in fact. Strolling players strolled and played, with Andy West like a Pied Piper on his flute and giant Irish whistles. A merry Ceilidh occurred, where Gwyneth Jones tried to strangle Ian Watson for whistling Vivaldi, the background music to her lengthy telephone dispute concerning her computer. Gwyneth was one of the finalists for the Booktrust Teenage Prize, with Siberia by her alter ego Ann Halam; and also present was another finalist, Sarah Singleton, for her Gothic Century; but they declined to engage in armed combat despite a vigorous sword-fighting demonstration conducted by Neil Bond, leading to Jon Courtenay Grimwood revealing a hidden yearning to be Errol Flynn. (A while later, Sarah won the award.) Cambridge historian, and soon to be DAW novelist, Kari Maund gave a talk on Viking towns and also won the NewCon3 short story competition with “Saltus Lunae,” the prize being publication in Matrix (Jan-Feb 2006). Phil Nanson from Cambridge discoursed on damascening. Virgin Spaceways sent a promotional video to anchor a panel on holidays in space, the world première of this video. Lots of stimulating panels took place, starring amongst others globe-trotting Paul Billinger and ace cook & gourmet Ian Whates, mainstay of the NSFWG. (NWSFG Treasurer Ian Pursey is another mainstay. Many members are called Ian, though this isn’t a requirement of membership. Sword-wielding Susan Sinclair is the Secretary). Luminary Peter Weston participated with stars in his eyes, discoursing in a panel upon “The Birth of Science Fiction”. Other panels discussed “What if Time Stops but You Can Still Move Around?” and “How Has 20th Century SF Predicted the Future?” and “Space Opera and the Re-emergence of British SF”.Steve Cockayne demonstrated his giant puppets, one of which bears a startling resemblance to himself, which inspired characters in his Legends of the Land novels. Cardinal Cox interviewed Liz Williams. Claire Weaver interviewed Jon Courtenay Grimwood. Fangorn presented a slide show featuring concept sketches for Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, although H.G. Wells felt obliged to tick Fangorn off for this collaboration, once more relocating a version of his masterpiece to America. Feasting occurred in Chinese and Indian restaurants. The real ale didn’t run out. H.G. Wells became custodian of the NewCon award for best time travel book, a surreal inside-out clock created by Neil Bond. An art show delighted the eyes.

NEWCON4 tickets can be reserved online at: http://www.newcon4.com/newcon/main/ and I am reliably informed the program of events is soon to be complete. There are still hotel rooms available as I write!! I know. I booked one.

Gail Martin Podcast Interview

NEW!! Podcast interview by Gail Z. Martin, author of The Summoner and The Blood King, with Andy Remic, author of War Machine etc etc etc.

All new Ghost in the Machine podcasts for 2008 with an all-star roster of authors from science fiction, fantasy and paranormal!!!!

http://www.chroniclesofthenecromancer.com/page/page/3827767.htm

NEW--Gail talks with military science fiction author Andy Remic about censorship and how society decides who is "safe" to write "disturbing fiction." Although, admittedly, Andy strays way off task and starts gibbering about zombies and bad hair.

Radio Interview Now Live.

And yes, my 4.30AM interview with Howard Margolin of Destines - The Voice of Science Fiction is now live!! It can be downloaded from http://www.captphilonline.com/Destinies.html and then you too can smirk at the pointless ramblings of a hungover 4.30AMer :-) called REM.

Enjoy. I did. Howard's a real nice guy, and I enjoyed the interview thoroughly.

Radio Interview.

Just a quickie, doing a radio reading and interview tonight - 11.30PM US time, 4.30AM UK time, for WUSB Destinies Voice - The Voice of Science Fiction.

You can stream the station online. Check out www.wusb.org and http://www.captphilonline.com/Destinies.html.

US Diary #6 - A Perfect Day.

Homer!! We are not worthy!! Etc.


Up reasonably early, drove to Daytona Beach stopping via the Waffle House (or Wapple House, as my 2 year old Ollie calls it) for a, quite frankly, unseemly huge breakfast feast. Waddled out, back into the car on squeaking suspension, then continued the rest of the journey to the beach. Out in the sun, splashing in the waves, building sand castles etc etc. The boys loved it, and the sun was beaming and the world felt good. Cleaned off sticky sand, went to my favourite biker shop in Daytona (Hot Leathers, yeah, I know...) where I got some Bike Week t-shirts and checked out the open-face lids (I’ll be getting one before I return to the UK, probably with a flames symbol, maybe an eagle symbol, possibly a flaming eagle eating flames symbol) then over to the Daytona International Speedway race track, which was surprisingly ace. Did the official tour, checked out the NASCAR motors and the original 1929 Bluebird, saw the IMAX film of Daytona 500 and went on a “simulator” which was good fun. After this, went for a slap-up Italian meal in a non-franchise restaurant and ate absolutely so much food that I resembled a pot-bellied pig (don’t say anything, you lot giggling at the back). Waddled once again back to the car, and cruised back to the villa. Read some of Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods (which I was thoroughly enjoying until he skipped a hundred miles of his Appalachian Trail adventure with a taxi/ hire-car combination, thus earning my disrespect, the lazy pie-eating individual). Settled down with a large Tequila (eat the worm), and watched some Long Way Round with Ewan McGregor and his long-haired monkey friend, Charlie, which I thoroughly enjoyed for its Britishness. After all, American TV truly does suck. A Perfect Day, no less.

US Diary #5

Went shopping today. Bought lots of things I shouldn’t. Spent way too much money I didn’t have (ze beauty of ze credit card, no?). Played in the pool with the kids. And.... At last!! Did some work on HARDCORE, my new novel, planning the beast through from where I’m at, pretty much to its scintillating hardcore high-octane conclusion. I’m very very happy with this.

Checked out a local book shop, and they had my books!!! Yayy!! Bought Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods, which is totally brilliant, very succinctly and humorously written.

At 10pm went round and told the neighbours off for making way too much noise. It sounded like they were murdering each other in the pool, and quite frankly, I wish they were. There were 25 of them in their villa. 25!! Talk about economising, the penny-pinching backwood comedy rednecks!!

US Diary #4

It starts off like a tiny insect bite. Mostly unnoticed, then a gentle swelling which itches, or nags with a lull that eventually comes to your attention. Eventually, infection sets in, swells rapidly to a torrent of toxins which overrun your system with such violence you start to bubble and melt inside. Your hair falls out, your internal organs liquefy, you pee blood and regurgitate bile and toxic pus.

What am I talking about? Why, American theme parks, of course. And specifically, the ones in Florida which I am currently forced to endure for the pleasure of my little boys who want to see Barney, and Shrek, Buzz Lightspears, Mickey Monkey, Spiderspunk and bloody Donald the bloody Dunk.

OK. I love the US. I love the people. But the gradual toxic poisoning of my system leading to total mental meltdown and a loathing so great you could bottle it and sell it to serial killers began with theme park car parking. So simple, you inquire? Well, yeah. After queuing to get into the damn park (in this case Universal, but hey, count Disney in this tirade as well) you then queue to pay for parking. This is on top of the extortionate park pass fees you’ve just stumped up for. Pay. To. Park. Then, you trudge for klicks to the bag searches, where you queue to have your bag searched by an incompetent. Really. I could have smuggled a thermo-nuclear device past these goons. Then, you trudge again, and queue to buy tickets (if you’ve foolishly arrived without, which many people have). Then you queue past the queue for tickets, queuing to get into the damn place. All of this in the broiling Florida heat meaning you stink like a fish market before setting foot on park. However, at least this gets you in the general mood for the gig, for your main activities of the day will be a] trudging, and b] queuing. You see, you’ll trudge halfway across the park (as always happens, daddy daddy, I want to go on Jaws) and you arrive, either to find the queue is an hour long, or the ride has shut down due to leaves on the track, inclement weather or mysterious ‘technical difficulties’ which doesn’t really instil faith, especially on the fast rides. So you trudge around some more. Then you queue, more often than not in the sun with a foot-pedalled fan drifting warm, oddly-smelling air over you as loud people talk loudly around you and at you. But what’s really amusing is that you queue for the entrance, but with most ‘rides’ they let you through the entrance and you think ‘thank Donald for that’, only now you’ve shuffled into a room and the doors are closed, like cattle being taken for slaughter. As you all stand, mooing, you’re shown some pointless video and you gradually realise the ‘ride’ hasn’t yet started, but that you’re now enduring filler. Yup. That’s right. It’s a mind-job. You’re being conned into thinking it’s started, when in reality you’re stood in a room, now in another queue. Sometimes, you go through two of these cattle-slaughter pens, thus queuing a total of three times to get to the dam ‘attraction’, which is then regularly so pathetic that you wished you just spent the previous hour with your head down the toilet. Even somebody else’s toilet.
You queue for the rides. You queue to queue for the rides. You queue for a coke, a beer, a pizza, a pee. You queue to queue. What a joke.

Today, as I (surprisingly) queued yet again, I realised what a wonderful, wonderful scam these theme parks are. Not only have you paid for entry, and paid to park, paid for warm coke etc etc, but the majority of what you’ve paid for is to queue. I don’t like queuing. I don’t queue. I was an English teacher. Straight to the front of the dinner queue, slapping the little kids on the back of the head with my dinner tray. The Chinese don’t queue. They have the right idea.

And this, dear reader, is why I hate Florida theme parks. But the greatest irony, and why Universal and Disney will always win (and take my dollars, the scheming con-artists), is that my kids love it. And so, as a dutiful father, I am forced to endure Barney in perpetuity. Or until the little brats are 18. I’ll get back to you later. Much later. My thoughts are now in a queue.

Comicon Promotion.

Comic-Con International is a non-profit educational organization dedicated to creating awareness of, and appreciation for, comics and related popular art forms, primarily through the presentation of conventions and events that celebrate the historic and ongoing contribution of comics to art and culture.

Comic-Con International:San Diego2008 San DiegoConvention Center111 W. Harbor DriveSan Diego, CA 92101

July 24-27 at the San Diego Convention Centre. So, over my birthday then. When I will be a year older!! Not that it matters, because I am a zombie, and will live forever.

Contact:

http://www.comic-con.org/

US Diary #3

Drove out to Clearwater today. Man, is this place Paradise!! The drive over was pretty good, not too busy, even past Tampa (which can be hell, I know, I’ve queued - a kind of M62 car-park for middle-Florida). Did a steady 85, well, the Americans do it and I’ve got a nice big car. Found a nice spot on the beach, and there were dolphins playing out in the bay. The sun was scorchio, and the boys played under a the shelter of an umbrella. Took them down to paddle in the ocean, and they giggled and threw shells at each other. Ollie, who’s only 2 and a bit, giggled like a maniac and did funny little dances in the surf. We also played wave-splashing, and the boys built sandcastles with their buckets and spades. Aww.

Anyway, my wife and I were here about 5 years ago, and went to an ace little Greek restaurant facing the beach. Well, it’s still there, only more "fast-foodicised" now, and looking a lot different, more modern and plastic. Went in for lunch anyway, but some of the same original Greek staff were there, and we picked Souvlaki platters which were just absolutely scrummy. I was asking the waitress about the old Greek place, and she knew what I was talking about so this wasn’t just some drunken figment of my sun-fried zombie imagination. Had the best, just the best meal I’ve had in the US for a long long time. Forget steak, forget pizza and burger smush. This was great traditional, um, Greek food. In Florida.

Back to the beach, read some more Bill Bryson (I just love his outlook on both the UK and US, and his statistics are, amusingly, amusing) and Sonia proceeded to turn lobster pink. I mean, real neon nuclear legs. Finally, after frying like eggs in a pan, we checked out some MuckyDonalds ice-creams and headed back to the villa, just creeping under the evening rush-hour by the whisker of a cat’s tail. Or something. Got back to the villa and had a much-deserved cold Budweiser, and a funny dancing session where we applied cold cream to our burnt bits (the kids, obviously, escaped this because we had them syrup-smeared in Factor Stupido).

Ported over my photos, which are just cracking. The white beaches of Clearwater are pretty hard to beat. And couple that with Greeko-Americano food? Can’t beat it bubba.

US Diary #2

The Not-So-Wonderful Wonderful Wonderworks.

Lounged in the pool all morning, playing with the boys and getting soaked and losing at "kerbie". We ordered some Universal and Wonderworks tickets on the net, then drove to Ponciana to pick them up. Bargain. Cheap as chips etc. Was overcome by an incredible hunger (this was 10.30am, and no, I’m not usually a Pig in a Poke at this early morning brunch slot). Stopped at Subway, and bought a foot long meatball marinara with jalapeno peppers and onion and honey mustard. Mmm. Be a pig, be a pig, be a pig! It cost, get this, $5. That’s a smidge over £2.50. Bargain! No wonder so many Americans are fat. If I lived here, I’d certainly turn into Jabba the Hutt (yeah yeah, I know, I’m getting there already).

My wife needed some shades, so we drove to Prime outlets and the Sunglasses Hut. I said to her, I said, don’t drag me in, I can’t help myself around Oakleys. But no. She had to drag me in. And what turned into a cheap shopping trip for my wife, turned into another Oakley buying session for me. I am a bad man. I cannot help myself. After all, what kind of person needs five pairs of Oakleys? Five, I tell ye? It’s just not proper. Not human. Not normal. I bought some Oakley Riddles, the polarised ones. Very, very nice. Very.. mm.. Oakley. I know, spoilt brat, more money than sense, etc etc.

Picked up our Universal and Wonderworks tickets, parked up in Pizza Hut and went into the "Wonderful Wonderworks" which from the outside looks awesomely impressive, a house which is completely upside down complete with upside down lamp-posts and palm trees. Great. In we went, through a promising spinning corridor which makes you want to puke, and out into - well, a very hot room filled with tat. Yes, some of the tat was mildly interesting, and the bed of nails was superb (although I was the only one with the balls (and steel skin) to lie on it; everybody else bottled it) and it burned a bit like a tattoo and made you wonder if you were about to be impaled. Made me feel like I was in an Arabian Knights movie. The rest of the "attractions" were OK. Some face stretching screen endeavours, some green-screen action, a few mechanical devices displaying load and effort. In the lift, an enthusiastic man kept enthusing that you were in the "wonderful" Wonderworks, but I had to disagree. For our $50 we spent about an hour there, which is always a bad sign, and left bathed in sweat (no aircon in Florida?). I think it was a simple ruse to cook you from the premises.

Anyway, on the way back to the villa stopped at an "Authentic English Pub", run by Americans obviously. I really, really, really should have learnt my lesson in these places. After all, all the authentic "Irish Bars" are 99.9% of the time guaranteed to be nothing of the sort, as any Irish-born person will tell you. So then, the English pub had English beers, and we enjoyed a few and I taught my eldest boy (5, nearly 6) to play the mainstay of all British boozers, pool. Now, I am no stalwart of pool, and in fact the last time I played in a real-world UK boozer setting, I performed the most amazing shot, lifting a ball from the felt and depositing it in a mate’s beer. In my younger years, I had been known to knock people out cold with a misplaced cue ball. Anyway, I did my best, but my five year old beat me on his first game.

Got chatting to a couple of local women who worked at Perkins up the road, and had a really good chat where I pumped them for information on Blue Shield insurance cards, and the difference between a State Trooper and a County Sherriff, and what the alcohol tolerance levels were in Florida (about the same as the UK, apparently). I thought it was zero tolerance. The women thought the UK had zero tolerance. Seems there are quite few misconceptions flying about.

Back to the villa, and chilled out for the rest of the evening. Had a Chinese delivery, which was great on volume, not so great on quality. I live in a place which is horrendous, in my opinion, but has some awesome Chinese takeaways. Orlando is awesome, but the curry is urine. I think I’ll settle for pee-curry anyday.

Had an early night. Read my Bill Bryson book (ace!). Damn this jet-lag.

US Diary #1

I've decided to do some irregular diary entries whilst in the US, a country I absolutely love. So, spurred on by Bill Bryson, here's THE FLIGHT.

Flying, for me, is like having a tattoo. I love the end product, but the process is painful. And, like having a tattoo (which is damn painful, and anybody who says it isn’t is just a plain liar in the same mould of those fake-tanned guys who wear t-shirts when it’s -2° outside), with flying you always forget the pain. Until the next time.

Early start, up at 4am, drove to Manchester airport and everything was going smoothly. Breakfast, kids behaving, tiny queue at check-in. Great. Then, approaching the gate for boarding, the whole gang were shuffled ¼ of a mile to a different gate where we sat for an hour, reaching and exceeding our flight time without any explanation, then moved to a barrage of many groans, all the damn way back to the original gate. Arse. We finally boarded amidst Monarch’s apologies (but as my good friend Jake would say, apologies are like arseholes - everybody’s got one) and took up battle formation in our four central seats. Me on one end, Sonia on the other, and our two bouncing boys in the middle Hmm. Should be a long flight.
Amusing flight anecdotes. Well, it was funny when Sonia took Olly to the toilet and he peed all over her foot. Funny for me, anyway. Also funny when Joe announced to half the Boeing 767 "I’m gonna be sick!" and we scrambled for the sick bags. Also funny when we bought the tiny monkey cans of coke, and proceeded to pour our own brandy into the glass feeling slightly like naughty schoolchildren at the back of the class, doing something we shouldn’t. OK. Here’s the deal with the brandy thing. It’s not a financial thing. Actually, it is, but more linked to principles. The airline states you cannot consume your own liquor aboard their aircraft for safety reasons. Oh yeah? Like... what? Despite the fact that they’ll sell you an unlimited amount of liquor in little comedy bottles, oblivious to yours or anybody else’s safety whilst doing so. What a joke. I bought a litre bottle of Three Barrels brandy in the airport for £8. On the plane, they were charging £3.20 for 5cl of same liquor. That’s £6.40 for 10cl, or, get this, an incredible £64.00 a litre. Profiteering? Monarch airlines? On top of my 2 grand plane tickets? Never. So, giggling like kids, me and Sonia chucked in our own brandy whilst giving the middle finger to profiteering bureaucracy in the process.

Happily jolly, the flight was going great. Only, I have a problem. The problem is a delicate constitution on flights. Apparently, on a flight all the gases in your body, i.e. your guts, swell up. This makes people fart. A lot. Normally, I’m fine on these long-haul flights. Unless I drink. Every single time I travel, I recite the mantra I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. And then, like a comedy dumb arse, I drink. Thus, as night follows day, as man followed the dinosaur, as sexual deviancy follows appointed politicians, I proceeded to an upset stomach situation and spent too much time in the bog.

Spending my penance in the airplane bog, slightly drunk on prohibition brandy, I had time to reflect on Jeremy Clarkson’s claim of how to beat the airline anti-smoking policy. Now, I’m not smoker, but tell me I can’t smoke and I immediately want to. I know, dumb-arse obstinacy and sheer bloody-mindedness, but then I never said I had all my sanity, did I? Clarkson (fine toilet reading, by the way, not that I’m trying to insinuate I correlate Clarkson with crap) says you can smoke in an airplane toilet if you hold the flush and smoke with your head down the pan. Well, I tried this, and the toilet only sucks for a short period. Certainly not enough to disguise your smoking. My subsequent capture and interrogation by the plane’s captain was just a testament to how Clarkson needs a slap on the legs when I next see him. Or maybe I deserve the slap for listening to his rambling. (This is of course, a joke. I am not stupid enough to smoke in a Boeing 767 toilet, although I did crash a car once by driving into a wall at 50mph. My excuse was that I was 17 and stupid. The police turned up, used the F-word, and asked my mate who was in the passenger seat if he’d like to press charges against me. Charming! I have since had a deep distrust of the Five-O).

We landed, and US immigration really had their stuff sorted (unlike once, when we stood for a good hour and a half with lots of fat people from Birmingham). We sailed through passport control and customs (our smuggling, as usual, going unnoticed), got our luggage and car (a rather superb gay-blue Hyundai Sonata with soon-to-be broken boot hydraulics, a kind of retro-engineered ocean liner on wheels), and then headed off into the heat mirage of The Swamp.
The villa was cool, spacious and well equipped, the kids full of McDonalds, and after a quick visit to Publix (Pubix, ho ho) for some Budweiser and fine Chardonnay we unpacked and hit the pool. Then slept. Boy, we slept.

Gender Imbalance.

Just took part in the SF Signal "Gender Imbalance in Genre Publishing" Mind Meld discussion. This can be viewed over at: http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006846.html

SF Signal in general is a very fine site and worth checking out at: http://www.sfsignal.com, where you'll find interviews, free fiction, posts and all sorts of news tidbits.

Right. Off to do my packing. All that hairgel won't pack itself.

Born in the USA.

Hitting the US on Friday for a couple of weeks. Florida. Sunshine. Beer. Great beaches. And, um, Mickey Mouse. Damn that Mouse. Anyway, I love the States (this is my fifth visit) and intend to explore Georgia this time, having done NYC, Miami, the Keys, most of Florida in fact. Anybody in Florida who wants to meet for a beer (and to take me shooting, preferably with a HK MP5) then just email me and we can drink many jugs of bud. I'll even pay for bullets! That's how friendly I am. I'll pay for the pizza as well!! What a guy. Anyway, I must admit, it's a great shame I'm leaving behind the bad Manchester weather, the sour faces (the Americans call it our "English Face") and the road rage (there's no road rage in the US, you don't know what the other guy's got in his boot, sorry, trunk) ........ America, here I come!!

Indiana Jones and the Golden Monkey.

Indiana Jones and the Golden Monkey by Joseph Remic, age 5.

Indiana Jones was looking for treasure. He had to jump down into the caves.

In the caves it was dark like night.

Indiana was looking for a golden monkey.

In the caves there were snakes! Indiana used his whip to get the monkey.

He ran away jumping over the traps.

www.tor.com

Over at Tor.com this week they're featuring the fabulous Dave Seeley artwork for War Machine in a variety of downloadable sizes to use as your computer backdrop. Sweet :-).

John Martyn.

I'm currently reading, and thoroughly enjoying, "Some People Are Crazy" about the legendary singer/songwriter/drunk and downright awesome guitarist John Martyn. I definitely recommend this fine piece of literature, which gives a valuable insight into what makes the genius tick, along with some of Martyn's superb and mellow recordings like On the Cobbles and Solid Air.

Check it [them!] out.

Soothing music to write SF horror zombie novels to.....

Match it Pratchett!

Just thought I'd link to the very noble Match It For Pratchett site, over at http://static.forbiddenplanet.com/promo/monqee/ and put in place by Forbidden Planet.

It's a "unique project to raise money for and awareness of the Alzheimer's Research Trust", all a very good cause.

Please support the Monqee!!
Sign up now!!

Facebook!

Finally took the plunge, and opened a Facebook account. Everyone seemed to be doing it, so I thought I would too. So, you can contact me and ask to be my friend. I might smile, and say "Yes! I'll be your friend" or I might be grumpy :-( and say "No, I don't want to be your friend." Whatever, it's better than watching the eternally rubbish Big Brother!!

Search for Andy Remic in Manchester :-)

Helvellyn #2.

Had a blast up Helvellyn in the Lakes yesterday, and can heartily recommend this to anybody who wants to heave their bulks out of their armchairs. Go on, switch off Big Brother/ Lost/ Heroes and drive to Glenridding. There's a bit of work involved, but the views when you stand on Striding Edge are truly spectacular... just be careful not to fall off!!


Much credit must be given to the fat man in orange who followed me and Jake across Striding; he was an amateur, bumbling along, and filled his pants when he came to the chimney descent. But credit to him, he was fat, unfit, and scared to hell, but he gave it a go and was victorius. Well done that fat man in orange!!



After Helvellyn, we blasted on and climbed Catstye Cam (an easy second addition) with the idea we'd eat lunch up there (salted tuna sandwiches, yum), but the unusually humid conditions meant a plague of midgies wanted to share our food, no matter how unappetising, and chased us down the flanks so we had to eat on the move. Then it was me and Jake down to a local hostelry for some grand Old Speckled Hen beer, and jumbo sausage and chips, just to, y'know, keep the blood flowing after 4 hours of tabbing.


As for the pictures:

First, here's me on Striding Edge. And secondly, here's me on Striding Edge. The third photo is of, um, me, stood on, um, Striding Edge. So, two concurrent themes running, that of me, and that of Striding Edge. Vain? Moi? Ha!

And there's me, that's Rem, and Jake, my droog, coming down Swirrel. Some kindly bloke and his Scottish missus took the photo. Hats on!!

Dave Seeley Update.

The absolutely superb multi-talented artist Dave Seeley dropped me a line to let me know he's updated his website http://www.daveseeley.com/ with all his current artwork, which also includes the two covers designs he's created for my novels War Machine and Biohell.

Here, also, are examples of his Luke Skywalker for Del Rey, and an Alien and Predalien. Cool stuff, I think you'll agree.

To see the full range of Dave's artwork, check out his new improved website.

DAN WALSH.

'I get my bum pinched by a tranny, my pocket picked by a grifter and a gun pulled on me by a one-eyed, one-armed midget who’s upset cause I winked at him. These are the days that must happen to you.'

OK. Dan Walsh- the best writer in the world. Period. He has a new book out in July 2008. Buy it. You WILL NOT regret it, I promise, having read his escapades in BIKE magazine for years.

Amazon seem to have the best deal, but you can log on to http://www.dan-walsh.co.uk/ and input the promotional code WALSH. So there.

'Riding a bike removes the need for clutter, toys, rubbish that other men have to take on holiday. If I want adrenaline, I’ll rush a giddy overtake, not rent a jet ski.' The world through the eyes of Dan Walsh is never less than Technicolor, and always uninhibited, rebellious and on the edge. Not since the days of Jupiter's Travels has one man embarked on such an angry, narcotic-fuelled bike trek around the world. 'For me, Chile will always be South America’s supermodel sister – very beautiful but too long, too skinny, and too expensive to ride, and despite the groovy exterior, unpleasantly right-wing underneath.'Dan has travelled the length and breadth of the world; in Africa, on his XT Desert Rat; across the American continent, on a BMW F650 GS Dakar. Along the way he's visited Buenos Aires, where ‘revolutionary’ means the angry poor invading the presidential palace, not a really small phone that’s also a camera. He's crossed the dry sub-Saharan savannah, which is like riding across a piece of toast with a mouthful of crackers. He's been mistaken for a bum in New York, bashed by deadly tequila in Mexico, contracted typhoid in a dilapidated Bolivian hotel, visited The Most Beautiful Road in the World in Peru, been kidnapped in Kenya and finds that downtown Soweto is about as threatening as Stockport. 'I get my bum pinched by a tranny, my pocket picked by a grifter and get a gun pulled on me by a one-eyed, one-armed midget who’s upset cause I winked at him. These are the days that must happen to you.' Soaked in adrenaline and coruscatingly funny, Dan Walsh is the rightful heir to Ted Simon as the pre-eminent biker-rebel of our generation.

HARDCORE.

After much deliberation and consultation with Solaris, the new, official title of my next novel (working title Sick World) is...... HARDCORE. So there. And, yeah, if I get any more butch I'll be joining the Village People... ;-) Patrick.

Brmm brmm.

Thought I'd share with you my new bike. It's pretty low powered, only a Suzuki 650 v-twin, but tuned with a sports can it puts out about 80BHP which is not bad for something that weighs in at 162KG. It'll do 0-60 in about 3.5 seconds, so Ferrari speed, then. I've done the Big Bike Thing, I had a Ducati Monster 900, a 750SS, a Bandit 1200 and an Aprilia RSV-R 1000. However, they just end up sat in the garage costing me money whilst I write bookles. So I went for summat a bit lighter on the crocodile-skin wallet. This bugger only cost me £77 to insure!!, and yet gets to 100MPH 5 times faster than my 1.9TDi Passat. Big GRIN times are a-coming. Knee down, cruise the backstreet bends, take out sportsbike riding monkeys. Hoho.

Liverpool University.

I've been invited to speak to the MA Science Fiction group (+others) tomorrow at Liverpool University, and am very much looking forward to the experience. Andy Sawyer, the MA course leader, also runs/ collates an incredible resource known as The Science Fiction Foundation Collection, and the website is http://www.liv.ac.uk/~asawyer/sffc1.html. I recommend you check it out this minute!!

I have been promised the fee of beer and pizza. Ha! If only they knew how much I can drink (and indeed, eat). I have not been continually referred to as "fat chump" for nothing.

Mind Meld.

I was recently asked to contribute to SF Signal's Mind Meld series. This episode deals with underrated authors... It can be found here http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006576.html.

Alt Fiction 2008

Ach, have been struck down by Ebola. Or maybe Man Flu. Or certainly something highly toxic to the human organism (that's organism right?!). So the upshot is I won't be attending. But then, I wasn't doing anything, so it doesn't matter. Yeah? And Stross talks enough for 10, nay, 20 SF writers. So that's OK then. :-)

REM of the DEAD

Andy Remic, after a recent infusion of NANOBOTS. See what vanity can do to you? See? See!? I leave you to make your own comments...

GHOSTS.

In recent years I've been a big fan of Nine Inch Nails. Like every other musician with which I engage, I go through phases, and sadly, my NIN phase was killed when I saw them live. £20 to see a stage of dry-ice for 90 minutes is not my idea of fun. However.......

My nephew directed me back to NIN's website recently. Trent Reznor has released a 4-album instrumental work, and you can dowload the first 9 tracks free. Yes! FREE! Cheap as chips!! Then, the next 27 tracks are only $5. Cheaper than a pint of Wife-Beater, my friend.

And... GHOSTS is absolutely ace!! Not some cast-off crap sub-B side recording; but pure genius, and very good to write to (which is unusual for me).

Anyway, check out http://www.nin.com/, and click on GHOSTS.

'Nine Inch Nails presents Ghosts I - IV, a brand new 36 track instrumental collection available right now. Almost two hours of new music composed and recorded over an intense ten week period last fall, Ghosts I - IV sprawls Nine Inch Nails across a variety of new terrain.
Trent Reznor explains, "I've been considering and wanting to make this kind of record for years, but by its very nature it wouldn't have made sense until this point. This collection of music is the result of working from a very visual perspective - dressing imagined locations and scenarios with sound and texture; a soundtrack for daydreams. I'm very pleased with the result and the ability to present it directly to you without interference. I hope you enjoy the first four volumes of Ghosts.'

Hope you enjoy!!

Another Good War Machine Review

Got a friendly email from my mate Ian Watson [author of Orgasmachine and Mockymen, amongst many, many others] telling me about another great review of War Machine, this time in Prism, The Newsletter of the British Fantasy Society, March 2008 http://www.britishfantasysociety.org/. This makes about the eleventh or twelth good review of my book (the only bad one being Saxon Bullock's SFX diatribe), so this made me feel happy in a warm, gooey kind of way. It uses phrases like "The whole is inventive and original, particularly the final showdown" and "Definitely one for fans of Warhammer type stuff, but with more brains (in the writing, not on the floor!".

Thank you very much, Mr Steve Dean!!

Donnie Darko.

Yes yes, I know, I'm late getting round to seeing this movie. But wow, it was worth it. An incredible film, complex, intelligent, beautifuly shot, and with a superb series of twists. Did Donnie really travel the path of his own future and then decide to travel a portal back, thus righting the wrongs he had unintentionally created, whilst at the same time causing those who suffered to glimpse the possibility of their own futures and thus adapt their lifestyles because of this? Or was he simply mad as a silver-headed rabbit? Was Sparrow checking her mail box for Donnie's letter, having seen this in her own future episode? Did she stand in the road continually because she knew she was the catalyst which would cause Donnie's girlfriend's death, and thus send him on a path of redemption, seeking to alter his own past with self-sacrifice and thus spare those around him? Or was he simply an alien-infused human operating at a completely different level to the human shells surrounding him? And what of God? And we have the corruption of our time/space construct by an object from the future which needs to be returned to the future to stop the present ending! Wow wow. What an ace film!!

In contrast, I'm spending quite a bit of time with my mom, who's been released after a 6 month stint in the hospital. Unfortunately, this also meant I had to sit through an episode of Coronation Street yesterday. I haven't seen this crap for about 10 years and- guess what? It has got, if you can believe this, even worse. Never have I seen such appaling acting outside a Big Brother event. Never have I seen such badly concocted dialogue. And the acting! Did I mention the acting? Baboons in wigs would have done better.

So, when offered the gift of laying something memorable down on film, the genius Richard Kelly offers Donnie Darko and.... some muppets waste precious seconds of my life with Coronation Street. Never again, y'hear? Never!!

The Snow Queen Cometh.

I picked up my new Suzuki SV (I'm a sucker for v-twins) yesterday. Need to do 600 miles before I can hammer the f*** out of it to that 11000 redline. Yeah, I thought, I'll stick down a few hundred miles on Sunday... then, WTF! Snow! You're joking! It's damn April... I'm sure our year is out by a few hours. Every year, winter seems to shuffle forward a bit. I'll have to wait till the kids are in school next week now before I put down some mileage- I can feel a trip to Glasgow coming on. What an ace city.

Chronicles of the Necromancer.

I've been invited to do a podcast chat with Gail Z. Martin, author of The Summoner and The Blood King. It's on the subject of censorship, which should be interesting because the stuff I write is subversive and horrific and (in the words of Christian Dunn, sick sick sick), and yet when I was an English teacher I was active in stopping the kiddies writing anything subversive and horrific and sick sick sick... we'll see what happens, anyway. It's also interesting to note that I was recently censored (sob!) in my latest novel BIOHELL, which is currently "in-edit". They took out my zombie sex scene. The heathens! What's the matter with you people? Can't you handle some funky human on zombie action??

Gail's website is at http://www.chroniclesofthenecromancer.com/page/page/3827767.htm and the podcast should be published there shortly after Tuesday 8th April.

Blue Monday.

I’ve been reading Jeffrey Thomas’ Blue War recently, and I’m very impressed. Tightly written, intricately plotted, and moodily evocative with brooding blue jungle and the expanding threat of the cloned city, I’m enjoying this fine piece of SF thoroughly. Jeremy Stake is as gritty and tough as usual, and a fine character with which to empathise/ sympathise (although, bizarrely, he reminds me of ol’ rubber face himself, Rowan Atkinson). I’ll give you my full verdict when I’ve finished the text, but I’m a slow reader (I like to absorb, baby, absorb!!).

I’d also like to point out that I’m not a critic, and certainly not arrogant enough to presume my point of view is worthwhile in the public domain. Hey, I leave that to the professional critics. And I only highlight works I’ve enjoyed; after all, and plagiarising the words of Stephen King, if there’s something I don’t like then my mamma gave me the good grace to keep my damn mouth shut.

But… if you haven’t yet, then check out Blue War. Recommended!!

What I Did On My Holidays

Eastercon 2008

Unfortunately, I could only attend the con on Saturday, which was a great shame because the whole place was a bustle of interest and activity, and I would have loved to sample much more!! However, with two young boys, I couldn’t miss them on Easter Sunday stuffing their faces with chocolate, could I??

So, where to begin? For a start, this was apparently the best attended Eastercon for many a decade, and the bustle reminded me of Worldcon in Glasgow, 2005. There were plenty of friendly faces, and I hooked up initially with Ian Sales (budding SF writer http://justhastobeplausible.blogspot.com/) and shortly afterwards, the Heavy Boys from Solaris (http://www.solarisbooks.com/), namely Christian Dunn and Mark Newton. Also present was Tony Ballantyne (http://www.tonyballantyne.com/) fellow teacher (well, Dep. Head!!) and Solaris author, Eric Brown (website currently under construction, I think) author of the fabulous Helix and Kethani and all round curry-aficionado. We were shortly joined by the cool and collected Jim Swallow (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/redwingproject/main.htm), author of many Star Trek and Doctor Who novels and a guy I was fascinated to learn was working on the story of the upcoming Eidos game, Deus Ex 3. Being a bit of a game-head, I loved Jim’s tales of being flown out to Montreal and chatting to designers who worked on one of my fave games of all time, Half Life 2. Jammy b******. Also had a chat with the esteemed editor-turned agent John Jarrold (http://www.johnjarrold.co.uk/) who regaled me with a tale from the David Gemmell years :-).

During a visit to the dealer’s room, I was head-hunted by Danacea (http://danacea.blogspot.com/) of Forbidden Planet to sign her bust. No, really. A kind of plastic statue thing called MonQee destined to be auctioned and proceeds donated to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s; a very noble cause. I’m not sure quite why Charles Stross signed MonQee’s arse, but having taken the prime spot, I was forced to sign its head (and no, not the head Newtie proposed, the plump £100-jacket-wearing freak…)

After many beers, and a trip out for a late lunch, and more beers and fleeting meetings with Donna Scott of Visionary Tongue (www.visionarytongue.co.uk) who’s just edited/ published my short story VACHINE (and yeah, Mark, donut-boy, it is spelt right) and a whole host of other nice people, we were joined by dapper chappy James Lovegrove (http://www.jameslovegrove.com/), fresh off a panel and ready for food. A thoroughly nice chap, and along with Eric, Christian, Mark, Ian, and a whole big bunch of writer-types we suffered a long freezing trek through the wilds of Heathrow to an Indian restaurant that served fine food aplenty (and much wine :-) ).

Back to the con for more drinkies with the likes of intellectual angryman Ian Watson (http://www.ianwatson.info/) who I love to bits, but really, he is absolutely barking mad in a really-cool-and-clever-sort-of-way, and then on to the famed Scandinavian party where I was forced to drink some toxic shite by the name of wormwood or deathwood or something; anyway, it was paint-stripper. No wonder all the Scandys (hello Anders!) had Big Beards. Reeling from that alcoholic blow, we (a rag-tag band of drunken heroes) somehow staggered to the disco, a kind of 80s school throwback playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller and other travesties of music. ‘Twas here I had the pleasure of meeting Saxon Bullock (http://www.saxonbullock.com/) who’s just been signed by John Jarrold with his first novel Hyperion Gambit, which I hear is quite good. Saxon was the guy who wrote a scathing review of my recent novel War Machine, and so, tempting as it was to break his fingers, he did turn out to be a really nice guy, although it has to be said, he cannot dance. Ho ho. I have the video to prove it. Honest. I will auction to the highest bidder.

The evening rounded off in drunken merriment, and although I was going to mooch about on Sunday and sign up for Alt Fiction, I was struck by a terrible vomiting bug, obviously caught from one of the wormwood-quaffing Scandys, and absolutely nothing at all to do with the amount of grog I grogged. Anyway, spent the following morning reeling around in bed like a pathetic little girl. The new hardman of science fiction? Yeah. Right. I cried like a baby. Still, I’m sure I’ll be back on form for Alt Fiction in April!!

Orbital 2008

A big hello to anybody tripping down to London for Orbital 2008 this weekend. Should be a good gig, with lots of big names and if you see me stood at the bar, swaying, then come and say hello! I promise I won't chainsaw your fingers off! I'm looking forward to meeting Christian and Mark, the guys from Solaris, and my agent Dorothy who's coming up from Torquay. Then there's the indomitable rollercoaster steampunk-engine who is Charlie Stross, who's always a slice of academic comedy, and Juliette McKenna, Paul McCauley and James Barclay, all highly talented writers. I'm also looking forward to meeting Saxon Bullocks, newcomer, and of course Jonathan McCalmont, who used to run the fine SF Diplomat website and is supposed to be meeting me for drinkies, but I've a feeling he won't show....... Still, there's always Newtie, light-weight drinker he might be, and Ian Sales with his highly dodgy camera action......

Can't wait!!

Quake...

Orbit have just reprinted QUAKE with a cool glossy cover; must be having a new spurt of sales on the back of War Machine, I think. So, if you're a completist collector, whip out and snap up a new copy!! You'd be a fool to miss this!!

"... a free-for-all punch-up, relentless and breathless and hugely enjoyable, and for no extra cost it's all held together by a clever storyline. A good read? Most definitely!" -SFRevu on QUAKE

"A hard-talkin', hard swearin', hard-fightin' chunk of military sci-fi." -SFX on QUAKE

On an Earth where conventional armies are powerless to defend against the devastation wrought by single assassins, the secret organisation Spiral exists to fight a shadow war against fanatics and rogue states of every persuasion. Of every country and of none, Spiral operates throughout the world in an endless battle for humanity's survival.

But now Spiral's toughest operative, Carter, faces a terrifying new challenge. A machine has been developed that can hold the world to ransom: capable of wreaking seismic havoc, causing earthquakes and eruptions on a global scale.

It must be destroyed - and Carter must do it alone.

Helvellyn

Did Helvellyn on Thursday, I think it's my favourite mountain because it looks so stunning and brutal (although Crib Goch is much scarier!). Had a lot of mist on this climb, unfortunately, but here are a few pics giving a little flavour...

This is Striding Edge, the rocky ridge you have to traverse to get to the main stack of the mountain. The wind was pretty hairy, like poking your head up into No Man's Land. Still, made for some exciting trekking.

Ice-axe saved my life. No, seriously, the corniches on top were soft and sloppy, and my trusty magical AI ice-axe paid for itself during a 5 minute final scramble. Nearly slid off that damn edge as well!! Ho ho.

This edge, in fact. One wrong step- and waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! A thousand foot pancake splat. Never underestimate the mountain.Here's the main stack, viewed on the way down as the mist had lifted a little. And below, a picture of Red Tarn from the top [although it's not my picture/ but I have been up in these conditions and it's truly stunning!! Ice-axe a necessity!!].

VACHINE...

Just submitted my new short story VACHINE to Donna Scott at Visionary Tongue. It's to be published in this fine tome around Easter and stars everybody's favourite head-hunting psychotic killer-femme-fatale, PIPPA from WAR MACHINE and the upcoming Solaris novel, BIOHELL.

Visionary Tongue's website is: www.visionarytongue.co.uk

Please support this superb publication by, um, buying one!!

Fizzy Snow

Here's my puppy experiencing snow for the first time. See how her paws flap. See how her ears stream. She how her dumb-muzzle attempts yet again to eat sheep poo. Why did nobody tell me it was so hard? Why did nobody tell me a puppy tries to bite your groin? Why did nobody tell me they eat all your furniture? Why did nobody tell me training a puppy is like trying to ride a bike up a frozen waterfall?

I'm climbing Helvellyn on Thursday, and will post some pics of what promises to be a stunning snowy climb. If nothing appears, assume I have been windswept from Striding Edge :-) and thus kiss goodbye to all future Combat K novels, ho ho.

Mummy, Why Does Daddy Look Like A Doughnut?

At the moment, Tesco bakery (bless their little money-grabbing fascist socks) are selling 13 doughnuts for £1. A squid. A pund. I'm gradually working my way through them, with a little help from my friends. After all, I wouldn't like the good SF folks at Orbital in March to think I wasn't as fat as my photo! Ha!

In the words of Arnold J. Rimmer (in the body of Lister), "Let the gorging commence!"

I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK...

OK, no girls' clothes here (athough, every now and again...) and you'll be pleased to know that after helping my mate cut down some trees (why else would I be holding a chainsaw, after all?) I still have all my limbs and fingers. So I can still write!! Yay!! Actually, re-reading that, there'll be some who wish I'd lost my fingers. Sorry to disappoint :-( I'll try and lop something important off next time.

I remember using my first chainsaw, about 10 years ago. A friend I worked with, her husband worked for a tree-felling company, and he handed over the industrial machine, kevlar pants, goggles etc with a look of great fear in his eyes. Like I was going to chop my head off, or something (possible). His words will always stick with me: "Treat this machine with respect. If you slip, it'll easily cut off your leg like a hot knife through butter". Cliched, but correct.

The most nerve-wracking bit when using a chainsaw from up a ladder is stretching out and waving the roaring machine about... Health and Safety would have a collective coronary!!

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt- New Author Photo

As you can see by the gentle sway of my hips, I should really be appearing on the catwalk of the next Milan fashion show... And here we have Remic, modelling the latest in designer German army paratrooper trousers, combined with a quite fetching Berghaus fleece jacket (severely worn, from many mountain trips) and as you will note, his delicate, tapered fingers are holding the latest in violent bloodletting accessories. So useful that crimson is the new black :-)

Trinny and Susannah, eat your hearts out!!

"I love the smell of 2-stroke in the morning."

Author Photo (C)2008 Jim Rothwell.

Ozzy as Father-in-Law

Breaking News!!
I'm watching the Brits (well, enduring is a better word) and it strikes me as hugely amusing that Sharon Osbourne is perhaps the worst ever mother-in-law figure you could horrifically imagine! Scenario: going out with Kelly for a few weeks, she nips you back to the mansion to meet the parents and SLAM Shazza Osbourne in your damn face, screeching 'Ya pissheed, ya basturt' etc etc fade to ad nauseum. [SHUDDER]. I am quite sure I will be having nightmares tonight.

On the plus side, however, imagine Ozzy as a father-in-law!! Cool! He could teach you to mutilate bats, ride quad-bikes, take drugs, an' everything! What a role model!

Amphetamine Logic

Get this for a piece of wifey-logic. I was working on my laptop. I had a nice can of Stella beside my laptop. This is safe. I do not spill beer. To spill beer is sacrilege, and should be punishable by 5 lashes of the birch. I do this all the time, and have never spilled beer over a computer part- ever.

Anyway, my loving cuddly wifey was clearing away the childrens' dinner dishes. I was out of the room. She knocked the can of beer over the laptop, napalming several keys and giving the machine a curious but warm odour of diseased and unhealthy beer-pus.

Her defence? Like all good Generals, her defence was attack.

It was my fault. Of course it was! Because because because I left the beer next to the laptop. It was an irrelevancy, in wifey logic, that it could be her fault. No, she was just the perpetrator of the act, whereas I allowed the act to occur due to my initial prior stupidity.

Am I wrong here? Come on guys, back me up in this marital!!

Wuthering Heights

I admit, I have been a sloth whilst finishing BIOHELL. Having not mountain biked for, ooo, six months, I had a 3 hour blast over what my friends and I call The Viking Route. To get there, you have a good 30 minute climb up Heart Attack Hill, so named because it's that hard, it gives you a heart attack. This is a view halfway up, 8am Sunday morning. And yeah, I did have a hangover. BIG mistake :-)

BIOHELL complete.

The first draft of BIOHELL (that I'm happy with) is now complete (after many delays!!), and headed for agent and editor alike. It's come in at 167,000 words (oops) which is bit over-budget, and that's with me cutting about 10,000 of excess fat from the meat! Now for the next stage of the process, where Christian at Solaris take his big red pen, makes a lot of big red lines, and shouts REMIC, NO!!!

Also got the A-Format pdf for WAR MACHINE from Mark at Solaris, and the mass-market paperback out in November to coincide with the trade of BIOHELL will be a nicely chunky 656 pages, so a good fat chunk of Remic in your fist for £6.99 (or thereabouts). Bargain! Cheap as chips, I say.

Puppy Love...

Bloody mutt is chewing my boots, the wallpaper, and I caught her yesterday gnawing her way through a mains power cable, so maybe I'll change her name to Fuzzy sometime in the near future!! However, she is a little doll, but pee? She pees more than a rat. And such huge puddles!! I cannot believe a puppy bladder can contain so much! So, on that note of urinary excess, I'll let you get on. :-)

Mind Meld

I was recently asked to contribute to SF Signal's Mind Meld series, which is a really cool idea where different authors comment on a similar theme or question.

Here's mine!

http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006215.html#more

Thanks to JP.

Solaris Book Giveaway!

Fantasy Book Critic has 5 sets of Solaris books to give away- yeah, for free! And there's nothing better than for free!! (although Anders Prime might have something to say about that, hoho- sorry, in-joke).

'In support of the upcoming February 26, 2008 release of “The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction: Volume II” and Jeffrey Thomas’ “Blue War”, Solaris Books has agreed to give away FIVE Solaris Books SF Prize Packs including copies of Andy Remic’s “War Machine”, Chris Roberson’s “The Dragon’s Nine Sons”, Jeffrey Thomas’ “Blue War” and “The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction: Volume II”'

You have until 26 February 2008 to enter.

Check out: http://fantasybookcritic.blogspot.com/2008/02/giveaway-win-solaris-books-sf-prize.html

And good luck!

Fizzy Fun!

Meet Fizz, my new liccle Border Collie puppy. I'm currently taking votes on how cute she is, out of 10. She's a little terror, yes, chewing everything and pooing in my boots, but hey, that's what puppies do, right? I was certainly nagged to death by my two little boys until I gave in and got a Fizz. And so, here she is in all her gory glory!

Marillion!

I know it's possibly exceedingly sad, but I've been listening nostalgically to the old Marillion stuff from my childhood, you know, Childhood's End, Fugazi and Clutching at Straws. Are there any other old crinkly prog-rock rockers out there? If so, wave your zimmer frame in the air and shout 'Derek Dick! You are the best!'

SLOW!

Ha, my wife and her brother recently had a family disagreement (re: he was a hypocritical arsehole). Anyway, humorously, the following morning the local council turned up bang outside his house, and in huge white letters, painted SLOW on the road. I found this incredibly amusing, and told all my friends, and they all found it incredibly amusing. One mate, a particularly droll and intelligent guy, pointed out something of importance. He said, 'Yeah, but the only reason they painted SLOW on the road is because they couldn't fit MISERABLE C***'.

Sometimes, I feel, God does work in mysterious ways.

Credit Card Fraud

I've been online shopping for about 11 years now with never a problem. However, the other day I received my credit card bill to see some cheeky son of a bitch had spent £1024 at an online makeup outfit. Hey, now I know I ain't pretty, but £1024 of make-up should be enough to cover even Posh Spice's face! The cheek! And so the moral of the story is: don't give your credit card details to online American toy shops for Doodlebop toys for your liccle boys for Christmas!!

Be warned.
I have warned you!

Some More Positive Reviews!!

Things are looking pretty good on the review front for War Machine. There's another positive one at SFFWorld.com, so thank you for that!! http://www.sffworld.com/brevoff/420.html.

I also did an interview recently at SF Signal - http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006153.html which provoked quite an interesting discussion afterwards. The outcome of the discussion is that I'm meeting Jonathan McCalmont, of SF Diplomat (which I think was pretty good, until he closed it down recently), at the Orbital Eastercon http://www.orbital2008.org/ convention in March for a chat and a drink. Should be an interesting forum!! I look forward to it with gusto!! [and the beer's usually good :-) ].

Nottingham!

The book signing went really well on Saturday, and after I'd satisfied the hordes of panting vixens, I went out for a few beers with Christian, Mark and Caroline from Solaris. Mark seemed very keen to show me the very best bars in Notts, and yes they were fine, and Nottingham itself a surpisingly cosmopolitan city. Had a Calzone pizza at Zizzis (cue Clawfinger song, 'A Whole Lot of Nothing'- for that was what was inside the damn thing, although I don't wish to sound ungrateful, I'd just like to point out the chef should have put damn filling inside my pizza!) then I staggered back to the hotel much the worse for wear. Thanks to the Solaris Team (like The A-Team, but less muscled) for putting up with my exaggerated stories of mountain climbing and drunken pitches for future novels. Heh. Ahh, the playboy lifestyle of the modern day SF novelist. I tell you.

You can also check out http://solaris-editors-blog.blogspot.com/2008/01/remic-does-nottingham.html

Book Signing...

I'm signing at Nottingham Waterstones tomorrow (Sat 19 Jan) at 12-2, so if you want to pop in and say hello, and maybe go for a beer later, just call in!!

SCI-FI.COM Review

Scifi.com, the largest science fiction website in the world has given War Machine a cracking review.

Check out http://www.scifi.com/sfw/books/sfw17934.html for more!!

"Remic has taken hard-core military science fiction to its farthest extreme in this novel, providing almost 400 pages of relentless, bloody, testosterone-filled, high-tech action. It indeed represents a pinnacle of the form, which has its antecedents in the action films of the 1980s/1990s (think Rambo, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, etc.) and the more recent high-tech-war video games (think Halo, etc)"...

and

"The places where Keenan and crew do battle are also complex constructs, rising above the facile facades of most action-adventure novels, and the plot is complex, compelling and generally well paced."

(c)Scifi.com, January 2008.

Cool!!!!!!!

A Writer's Perspective!

Hey, check out Fantasy Book Critic's exhaustive and wonderful Writerly Perspective book roundup thingy... Here: http://fantasybookcritic.blogspot.com/2007/03/fantasy-book-critics-2007-review2008.html

Damn those peskerley writers! They just have way too much to say!!

BIOHELL Artwork Posted

BIOHELL Artwork can now be found at my website-

www.andyremic.com

And it's a cracker!!

That Ol' Review Thing Again

Death Ray magazine has just reviewed War Machine and given it a very favourable write up. OK, 3.5 stars out of 5 isn't perfect, and I really really feel they should have stretched to 3.6, maybe even 3.725 stars, but Orwell I ain't and the write-up itself makes for very good and entertaining reading. Thank you to Death Ray magazine! You've been added to my list of people not to chainsaw!!

Angela, Sci Fi Chick, has also recently posted a short review of War Machine on her site SciFiChick.com. I've also just completed an interview with her, so that should be posted shortly as well. Thanks, 'Chick!

BIOHELL Artwork

It's finished, and barring disasters, I should be posting the new Dave Seeley cover artwork for BIOHELL on my website very soon. I think it's the best one yet. And Dave has done an awesome job of the tech-zombies!!

And... Breathe.

My mum is stable now, so I once again have a sense of humour and am no longer running around like a manic, headless chicken.

I have always been an advocate of the NHS. I have always been in awe of doctors and nurses, of their caring, their skill, their role in society. And I have always defended the NHS as a great British institution.

However, there comes a point where socially corrupt and inept hospital management screw it all up for everyone. By understaffing hospitals (as in the one my mother was admitted to) they create many big bad problems, which leads in turn to people suffering and staff losing morale. There was also the case of the dumb-arse SHO in triage... but... well, that's another story and I have a few axes to grind with quite a few inept people I've encountered over the last few days. All I can say is thank God for the brilliant nurses and doctors who actually utilised their brains and did their jobs!! I shouldn't have to stamp my boot to get shit done. And I don't like giving people a hard time (unless it a Headteacher, then that just becomes plain fun) but when somebody you love has their life on the line.........

Sorry!!

Sorry, no blogs for a while, my mum was rushed into hospital on 1st January and some of the f****** doctors are doing their level best to kill her.

Happy New Year!!

All the best for the New Year xxx.
My New Year's Resolution?
Not to make any New Year's Resolutions, hoho.

The Breathing Corpse

I've just done a really interesting interview with David from The Breathing Corpse. He should be posting it soon!! Check out his blogsite at www.thebreathingcorpse.blogspot.com.

Best Short Story Ever

I've just read what I think is my favourite short story of all time- The Bowdler Strain by James Lovegrove, from The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction. Absolutely superb!! and beating my previous faves by Iain Banks and Phil Dick. I'll be checking out more of Mr Lovegrove's work in the very near future :-) Well done that man.

No. 20 in USA. Woo!!

Apparently, War Machine is currently No.20 in the SF and Fantasy bestseller charts in North America. Wow. That's cool. Now, what bugger is at No. 1?? Thanks to everybody who's bought the book so far (in whichever country). And to those who haven't, you should!! 'Onest! It's grrrreat!! And the sequel will be better, trust me :-) I'm just editing it right now.

BIOHELL Artwork.

Mark from Solaris kindly sent me over some early drafts of the artwork for BIOHELL, and it's looking awesome!! Keenan and Franco are on the cover, and the scale and perspective are just superb.

The artist is Dave Seeley, working out of San Fran; you can check out his website at www.daveseeley.com. I owe him a few beers and some pizza next time I'm in the States!!
His enthusiasm and effort on the artwork for my books has been supreme! :-)

Get a Grip!!!!!!

Just watched Ben Elton's Get a Grip DVD, from his 2006 tour. Now, Ben hasn't gigged for 10 years, and to be honest, I kinda forgot he existed. I was a big fan a decade+ back, and loved his stand-up, his Blackadder stuff, Saturday Night Live when I was but a nipper, hell, even his glitter suits!

Well, now he's pushing 48 by my count, and I wondered if the old codge had gone all Victor Meldrew on me. I'm delighted to report that the glitter suit was back, and I loved it. Even funnier was his ascerbic wit, his on-the-edge politics, and true funny man routine which showed old Ben hadn't lost an inch of his superb comedy talent. Yes, he's had kids and it was cool to indentify over common problems; but the gag about the finger up his ass, and the stuff about Lady Di. And then the rant about beer and unit levels!!! Well. You need to see it. ;-)

Buy this DVD! It's tops!!

Gone in 72 Seconds

Gods, I could have lasted longer than 72 seconds against Amir Khan last night. And I've got a damn beer belly!!

Admittedly, Amir showed incredible speed (according to Mr Barry McGuigan) during the fight; a shame he didn't show such dexterity when he jumped that red light doing 47 in a 30, and mowed down David Hutton on a pedestrian crossing, breaking the man's leg. Amir certainly did a fine job of thanking his legal team after the court case. With all their finances, it must have taken only 72 seconds to destroy Hatton on the witness stand. But hey, as Amir said, he wasn't guilty of dangerous driving. Just careless. How can it be dangerous to jump a red light and mow down a guy on a pedestrian crossing? Hah. Silly old me.

Still, Amir is a mighty fine boxer. Just a shit driver. :-)

Long Way McGregor

I have to admit, I’m a big fan of the “motorcycle adventure”. I’ve done a few small trips myself, but am in awe of several people, mainly Ted Simon (Jupiter’s Travels) and the incredible, the awesome, and the awesomely disappeared Dan Walsh!! Yes, Dan Walsh, from Manchester, who used to write for BIKE magazine and kept me sane and alive during the hell period when I ran my own business a few years back. No matter how bad it was for me, it was always worse for Dan. And his writing is (was?) just awesome!! He travelled Africa (around 2002/2003) and later down from New York to South America, where he destroyed his bike and kind of lost his way in the world. It’s actually one of my dreams to meet this guy and buy him a beer. Dan Walsh, I salute you!

Anyway, I loved Long Way Round a few years back, starring Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman. Yes, I had a problem with the support vehicles taking away that “men against the world” vibe, but overall it was a valiant adventure and made for great viewing.

Last night, I finished watching Long Way Down, the new iteration of Ewan and Charlie’s adventures. Hmm. What can I say? I was deeply disappointed, and there’s only one word that sums up why. Eve. Why oh why oh why did Ewan feel the need to drag his wife on the trip? This was supposed to be a Boy’s Own adventure tale, two lads against the world, roughing it in the African scrub. Charlie kept his chin up, but you could see at the start he wasn’t a happy chappy- and, I feel, must have been kicking himself later in the trip for not nipping the “Eve” concept in the bud. After all, did Charlie feel the need to bring his Gran? Or his Uncle? His children? No. Because it was supposed to be two pals vs the world. And then, when Eve did finally turn up (OK, so I got some small pleasure watching her bin her bike time and again) I just couldn’t understand her motivations. Was it to stop Ewan playing away? Was it to get her own slice of TV time? Was she that desperate to live with Ewan’s sweaty fish boots? Whatever, she was leaving her kids alone without father and mother, to do a bike trip when she obviously cared nothing for bikes. It was also stunning when they rolled out Ewan’s mother for the “big surprise”. Awesome, yeah? But why no surprise for Charlie Boorman? Why does Ewan always get the golden apple?
Charlie made a few comments, but obviously didn’t want to destroy his friendship with the Jedi. I felt so sorry for Charlie, his trip practically destroyed by the biggest of gooseberries. And then, at the end, when Eve said something about wanting to do more, and going along on the next trip, I confess, I nearly coughed up my sausage. Hey, they can call the next one Long Way McGregor and just get it over with.

I confess, I’ve always liked Ewan M., but I lost a lot- and I mean a lot- of respect for the guy for what he did to his buddy. Conversely, I started off thinking Charlie Boorman was a long-haired monkey in Long Way Round, watched him progress through the Paris/Dakar rally, and now I have the utmost respect for the guy. :-)

Hey Charlie! Next time you do a trip, take me!! I don’t need support vehicles, I won’t moan about your wheelies, and I promise I won’t bring my wife. Or my brother. My dad, my uncle or my bloody gran!

Angry Feminist Writes!!

Actually, that's unfair. Hoho. I met Donna Scott, editor of Visionary Tongue at Novacon37, and discovering she was a radical feminist, and being the sort of guy who courts controversy, I asked her to review my male-orientated kickass action fest, QUAKE. I didn't think she would, but Donna has very kindly reviewed it, and given me permission to post her comments here.

I'd just like to point out that Donna's right in everything she says, and I take full responsibility for all quibbles with regards female characterisation. Hopefully, I've adressed this issue in my latest works. However, there were NO typos in the final delivered manuscript of QUAKE. The MS had been checked 8 times by me, then by Tim Holman (editor-in-chief), and then by Nick Austin, the copy-editor, who's also worked on lots of Tom Clancy novels. The MS was then passed to God only knows who- and when I received the proofs there were no less than 2 errors per page, so, over a thousand errors in the MS as a whole. It even had a section from the Yellow Pages in it, and a small section of a shopping list. Honestly, I ain't joking. I think some YTS braindead monkey at the printers was having a laugh. Anyway, despite myself and Bella Pagan (desk-editor at Orbit) working like idjits for the next two weeks, a few errors still slipped through. Frustrating!!

QUAKE- A Feminist Perspective, by Donna Scott.

First of all, I think I should tell you that once I got into the meat of the story, I found it a real page turner. The technology aspects were more than sufficiently convincing – especially the vehicular kind, which I think you must have had real fun with. The pace of the action got slicker and more exciting as the novel progressed, as is only right, and the characterisation… well, you have an excellent character in Carter, whose inner demon, Kade, provides a brilliant device for revealing his internal conflict and conveying the empathies of an outwardly deeds-over-words kind of guy. As you have been saying in your blog (yup – found it!), characterisation is key, and all a reader of any gender really wants at the end of the day are convincing characters that act in ways that seem real… at least as real as the context of the story allows ( I think we are removed from the very real in your world, which brings some very graphic-novel type images to my mind, what with the visual switches between colour and black and white, and the close-ups of people in close combat with saliva drools and droplets of blood in high definition - but you probably follow what I mean).

All good stuff.

Now, using my pink-tinted magnifying glass, I will look at the women in the text. You know I’m knee-deep in my English MA at the mo, researching feminist sf, and I’ve been reading more Russ than anyone who likes reading coherent stories can take, so my feminist critical faculties are particularly sharpened of late - though I’m probably more of a deconstructionist myself, so I tend to hear Bakhtinian voices… a bit like Carter, probably.

I wasn’t very convinced by Natasha, I’ll admit. For a pregnant lady, her legs are gorgeous instead of puffy and her bump has only just become noticeable. Nothing really inconsistent for 24 weeks and under, I suppose, but it’s almost as if Carter can’t see the baby either: there he is, passing her whisky, asking her to go snowboarding, expecting her to help when they have the intruder, wanting sex (with her pregnant body concealed either in a kimono or a peep-hole thingie)… can you hear the tutting? Can you though?

It’s great though that women’s physical strength is never in question and a Spiral operative is a Spiral operative. However, the one thing I did notice is that there isn’t a woman mentioned who isn’t gorgeous or very sexual, with perhaps the exception of the mother that gets killed by Jam - who isn’t really described, and Karla Red - who is sexual, but also some kind of grotesque by the sounds of it.

Beauty, in the case of TT, Mila and Roxi, distracts the squaddies with potential sex, or sexual nostalgia, exposing them to threatening situations, and Freddy’s finances are ruined by Charlotte, who manipulates him with her sexuality. Then you have another female Spiral operative who is pretty and gets shot in the face. Carter shoots lots of Nex in the face too, but they’re Nex… I’d guess that you are adding to the grossness of the situation and shock value by making some of the people who get destroyed beautiful, and are subverting the traditional innate ‘goodness’ of women in stories to emphasise the corruption of society in your world (particularly emphasised by the bully girls who encourage the attack on Carter and his brother with their ‘child-whore perfume’ – products they have bought into which remove their innocence, a bit like Charlotte and her LVA fuel obsession). However, I’m just saying that there might be some who read into that you think women’s sexuality is a threatening thing, that’s all…

…and then, having a character called ‘TT’, and women whose clothes fall off when they are rescued, well, that’s the cherry on the big, angry feminist cake, that is! [REM would like it to be known he called TT, um, TT after the Isle of Man motorbike races, and only later realised it could be seen as "titty". Sorree!]

Pretty much most of the examples I’ve made occur in the first third of the book. I think that some of the women who have made it past the gun-ho cover will stop reading before they get into the story because they are put off by these things, and that’s a shame because it’s a good, entertaining story and at least you have women characters. However, I’m also certain you have a fan base out there that appreciates the pretty girls in the squad for their aesthetic appeal and would want to read about that kind of thing before the story got too involving.

Also, with my editorial eye, I saw a few things that I took issue with in the first third of the book, but hey, they happen, and you’ve already had two books published since. I can let you know more details if you’re really curious - that is, if you’re not already aware – but it might not be useful now. What I will say is that the typo on p. 55 is quite funny.

By the way, I laughed out loud on the bus when you made an appearance at the end of the book (that’s where I was reading it, in case you hadn’t realised)! See, I was paying attention!

I enjoyed the book very much.

Thanks to Donna Scott! And, whilst I'll not go as far as Michael Moorcock and claim to be a feminist, I'd certainly like to point out I do believe in equality :-)

You can check out Visionary Tongue here:
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/jamiespracklen/visionarytongue/

And Immanion press here:
http://www.immanion-press.com

Christmas Time, Mistletoe & Wine

Just spent a very relaxing weekend putting up the Christmas tree with the boys, pinning advent calendars to the wall, and watching their mounting excitement at the prospect of a big fat red dude dropping down the chimney with a sack full of presents. I’m now an expert on fielding tough questions, such as how does such a fat man squeeze down the chimney? and how can he possibly visit every single boy and girl in the whole world? So, I’m in a pretty mellow mood, the chainsaw is locked away in the garage, and I’d like to thank Ariel for his advice on my drunken typing the other day, hoho. I’m even mellow to Harry Webb, despite the constant annoyance of his yuletide yodelling.
Right, I’m off to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s also Dave Lister’s favourite film, y’know.
Don’t ever let anybody put you off having kids. Yes, they have dirty nappies and can be a proper pain in the behind. But… to see those little faces when you put the star on the tree. Brill.