What I Did On My Holidays

Eastercon 2008

Unfortunately, I could only attend the con on Saturday, which was a great shame because the whole place was a bustle of interest and activity, and I would have loved to sample much more!! However, with two young boys, I couldn’t miss them on Easter Sunday stuffing their faces with chocolate, could I??

So, where to begin? For a start, this was apparently the best attended Eastercon for many a decade, and the bustle reminded me of Worldcon in Glasgow, 2005. There were plenty of friendly faces, and I hooked up initially with Ian Sales (budding SF writer http://justhastobeplausible.blogspot.com/) and shortly afterwards, the Heavy Boys from Solaris (http://www.solarisbooks.com/), namely Christian Dunn and Mark Newton. Also present was Tony Ballantyne (http://www.tonyballantyne.com/) fellow teacher (well, Dep. Head!!) and Solaris author, Eric Brown (website currently under construction, I think) author of the fabulous Helix and Kethani and all round curry-aficionado. We were shortly joined by the cool and collected Jim Swallow (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/redwingproject/main.htm), author of many Star Trek and Doctor Who novels and a guy I was fascinated to learn was working on the story of the upcoming Eidos game, Deus Ex 3. Being a bit of a game-head, I loved Jim’s tales of being flown out to Montreal and chatting to designers who worked on one of my fave games of all time, Half Life 2. Jammy b******. Also had a chat with the esteemed editor-turned agent John Jarrold (http://www.johnjarrold.co.uk/) who regaled me with a tale from the David Gemmell years :-).

During a visit to the dealer’s room, I was head-hunted by Danacea (http://danacea.blogspot.com/) of Forbidden Planet to sign her bust. No, really. A kind of plastic statue thing called MonQee destined to be auctioned and proceeds donated to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s; a very noble cause. I’m not sure quite why Charles Stross signed MonQee’s arse, but having taken the prime spot, I was forced to sign its head (and no, not the head Newtie proposed, the plump £100-jacket-wearing freak…)

After many beers, and a trip out for a late lunch, and more beers and fleeting meetings with Donna Scott of Visionary Tongue (www.visionarytongue.co.uk) who’s just edited/ published my short story VACHINE (and yeah, Mark, donut-boy, it is spelt right) and a whole host of other nice people, we were joined by dapper chappy James Lovegrove (http://www.jameslovegrove.com/), fresh off a panel and ready for food. A thoroughly nice chap, and along with Eric, Christian, Mark, Ian, and a whole big bunch of writer-types we suffered a long freezing trek through the wilds of Heathrow to an Indian restaurant that served fine food aplenty (and much wine :-) ).

Back to the con for more drinkies with the likes of intellectual angryman Ian Watson (http://www.ianwatson.info/) who I love to bits, but really, he is absolutely barking mad in a really-cool-and-clever-sort-of-way, and then on to the famed Scandinavian party where I was forced to drink some toxic shite by the name of wormwood or deathwood or something; anyway, it was paint-stripper. No wonder all the Scandys (hello Anders!) had Big Beards. Reeling from that alcoholic blow, we (a rag-tag band of drunken heroes) somehow staggered to the disco, a kind of 80s school throwback playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller and other travesties of music. ‘Twas here I had the pleasure of meeting Saxon Bullock (http://www.saxonbullock.com/) who’s just been signed by John Jarrold with his first novel Hyperion Gambit, which I hear is quite good. Saxon was the guy who wrote a scathing review of my recent novel War Machine, and so, tempting as it was to break his fingers, he did turn out to be a really nice guy, although it has to be said, he cannot dance. Ho ho. I have the video to prove it. Honest. I will auction to the highest bidder.

The evening rounded off in drunken merriment, and although I was going to mooch about on Sunday and sign up for Alt Fiction, I was struck by a terrible vomiting bug, obviously caught from one of the wormwood-quaffing Scandys, and absolutely nothing at all to do with the amount of grog I grogged. Anyway, spent the following morning reeling around in bed like a pathetic little girl. The new hardman of science fiction? Yeah. Right. I cried like a baby. Still, I’m sure I’ll be back on form for Alt Fiction in April!!

Orbital 2008

A big hello to anybody tripping down to London for Orbital 2008 this weekend. Should be a good gig, with lots of big names and if you see me stood at the bar, swaying, then come and say hello! I promise I won't chainsaw your fingers off! I'm looking forward to meeting Christian and Mark, the guys from Solaris, and my agent Dorothy who's coming up from Torquay. Then there's the indomitable rollercoaster steampunk-engine who is Charlie Stross, who's always a slice of academic comedy, and Juliette McKenna, Paul McCauley and James Barclay, all highly talented writers. I'm also looking forward to meeting Saxon Bullocks, newcomer, and of course Jonathan McCalmont, who used to run the fine SF Diplomat website and is supposed to be meeting me for drinkies, but I've a feeling he won't show....... Still, there's always Newtie, light-weight drinker he might be, and Ian Sales with his highly dodgy camera action......

Can't wait!!

Quake...

Orbit have just reprinted QUAKE with a cool glossy cover; must be having a new spurt of sales on the back of War Machine, I think. So, if you're a completist collector, whip out and snap up a new copy!! You'd be a fool to miss this!!

"... a free-for-all punch-up, relentless and breathless and hugely enjoyable, and for no extra cost it's all held together by a clever storyline. A good read? Most definitely!" -SFRevu on QUAKE

"A hard-talkin', hard swearin', hard-fightin' chunk of military sci-fi." -SFX on QUAKE

On an Earth where conventional armies are powerless to defend against the devastation wrought by single assassins, the secret organisation Spiral exists to fight a shadow war against fanatics and rogue states of every persuasion. Of every country and of none, Spiral operates throughout the world in an endless battle for humanity's survival.

But now Spiral's toughest operative, Carter, faces a terrifying new challenge. A machine has been developed that can hold the world to ransom: capable of wreaking seismic havoc, causing earthquakes and eruptions on a global scale.

It must be destroyed - and Carter must do it alone.

Helvellyn

Did Helvellyn on Thursday, I think it's my favourite mountain because it looks so stunning and brutal (although Crib Goch is much scarier!). Had a lot of mist on this climb, unfortunately, but here are a few pics giving a little flavour...

This is Striding Edge, the rocky ridge you have to traverse to get to the main stack of the mountain. The wind was pretty hairy, like poking your head up into No Man's Land. Still, made for some exciting trekking.

Ice-axe saved my life. No, seriously, the corniches on top were soft and sloppy, and my trusty magical AI ice-axe paid for itself during a 5 minute final scramble. Nearly slid off that damn edge as well!! Ho ho.

This edge, in fact. One wrong step- and waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! A thousand foot pancake splat. Never underestimate the mountain.Here's the main stack, viewed on the way down as the mist had lifted a little. And below, a picture of Red Tarn from the top [although it's not my picture/ but I have been up in these conditions and it's truly stunning!! Ice-axe a necessity!!].

VACHINE...

Just submitted my new short story VACHINE to Donna Scott at Visionary Tongue. It's to be published in this fine tome around Easter and stars everybody's favourite head-hunting psychotic killer-femme-fatale, PIPPA from WAR MACHINE and the upcoming Solaris novel, BIOHELL.

Visionary Tongue's website is: www.visionarytongue.co.uk

Please support this superb publication by, um, buying one!!

Fizzy Snow

Here's my puppy experiencing snow for the first time. See how her paws flap. See how her ears stream. She how her dumb-muzzle attempts yet again to eat sheep poo. Why did nobody tell me it was so hard? Why did nobody tell me a puppy tries to bite your groin? Why did nobody tell me they eat all your furniture? Why did nobody tell me training a puppy is like trying to ride a bike up a frozen waterfall?

I'm climbing Helvellyn on Thursday, and will post some pics of what promises to be a stunning snowy climb. If nothing appears, assume I have been windswept from Striding Edge :-) and thus kiss goodbye to all future Combat K novels, ho ho.

Mummy, Why Does Daddy Look Like A Doughnut?

At the moment, Tesco bakery (bless their little money-grabbing fascist socks) are selling 13 doughnuts for £1. A squid. A pund. I'm gradually working my way through them, with a little help from my friends. After all, I wouldn't like the good SF folks at Orbital in March to think I wasn't as fat as my photo! Ha!

In the words of Arnold J. Rimmer (in the body of Lister), "Let the gorging commence!"

I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK...

OK, no girls' clothes here (athough, every now and again...) and you'll be pleased to know that after helping my mate cut down some trees (why else would I be holding a chainsaw, after all?) I still have all my limbs and fingers. So I can still write!! Yay!! Actually, re-reading that, there'll be some who wish I'd lost my fingers. Sorry to disappoint :-( I'll try and lop something important off next time.

I remember using my first chainsaw, about 10 years ago. A friend I worked with, her husband worked for a tree-felling company, and he handed over the industrial machine, kevlar pants, goggles etc with a look of great fear in his eyes. Like I was going to chop my head off, or something (possible). His words will always stick with me: "Treat this machine with respect. If you slip, it'll easily cut off your leg like a hot knife through butter". Cliched, but correct.

The most nerve-wracking bit when using a chainsaw from up a ladder is stretching out and waving the roaring machine about... Health and Safety would have a collective coronary!!

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt- New Author Photo

As you can see by the gentle sway of my hips, I should really be appearing on the catwalk of the next Milan fashion show... And here we have Remic, modelling the latest in designer German army paratrooper trousers, combined with a quite fetching Berghaus fleece jacket (severely worn, from many mountain trips) and as you will note, his delicate, tapered fingers are holding the latest in violent bloodletting accessories. So useful that crimson is the new black :-)

Trinny and Susannah, eat your hearts out!!

"I love the smell of 2-stroke in the morning."

Author Photo (C)2008 Jim Rothwell.

Ozzy as Father-in-Law

Breaking News!!
I'm watching the Brits (well, enduring is a better word) and it strikes me as hugely amusing that Sharon Osbourne is perhaps the worst ever mother-in-law figure you could horrifically imagine! Scenario: going out with Kelly for a few weeks, she nips you back to the mansion to meet the parents and SLAM Shazza Osbourne in your damn face, screeching 'Ya pissheed, ya basturt' etc etc fade to ad nauseum. [SHUDDER]. I am quite sure I will be having nightmares tonight.

On the plus side, however, imagine Ozzy as a father-in-law!! Cool! He could teach you to mutilate bats, ride quad-bikes, take drugs, an' everything! What a role model!

Amphetamine Logic

Get this for a piece of wifey-logic. I was working on my laptop. I had a nice can of Stella beside my laptop. This is safe. I do not spill beer. To spill beer is sacrilege, and should be punishable by 5 lashes of the birch. I do this all the time, and have never spilled beer over a computer part- ever.

Anyway, my loving cuddly wifey was clearing away the childrens' dinner dishes. I was out of the room. She knocked the can of beer over the laptop, napalming several keys and giving the machine a curious but warm odour of diseased and unhealthy beer-pus.

Her defence? Like all good Generals, her defence was attack.

It was my fault. Of course it was! Because because because I left the beer next to the laptop. It was an irrelevancy, in wifey logic, that it could be her fault. No, she was just the perpetrator of the act, whereas I allowed the act to occur due to my initial prior stupidity.

Am I wrong here? Come on guys, back me up in this marital!!

Wuthering Heights

I admit, I have been a sloth whilst finishing BIOHELL. Having not mountain biked for, ooo, six months, I had a 3 hour blast over what my friends and I call The Viking Route. To get there, you have a good 30 minute climb up Heart Attack Hill, so named because it's that hard, it gives you a heart attack. This is a view halfway up, 8am Sunday morning. And yeah, I did have a hangover. BIG mistake :-)

BIOHELL complete.

The first draft of BIOHELL (that I'm happy with) is now complete (after many delays!!), and headed for agent and editor alike. It's come in at 167,000 words (oops) which is bit over-budget, and that's with me cutting about 10,000 of excess fat from the meat! Now for the next stage of the process, where Christian at Solaris take his big red pen, makes a lot of big red lines, and shouts REMIC, NO!!!

Also got the A-Format pdf for WAR MACHINE from Mark at Solaris, and the mass-market paperback out in November to coincide with the trade of BIOHELL will be a nicely chunky 656 pages, so a good fat chunk of Remic in your fist for £6.99 (or thereabouts). Bargain! Cheap as chips, I say.

Puppy Love...

Bloody mutt is chewing my boots, the wallpaper, and I caught her yesterday gnawing her way through a mains power cable, so maybe I'll change her name to Fuzzy sometime in the near future!! However, she is a little doll, but pee? She pees more than a rat. And such huge puddles!! I cannot believe a puppy bladder can contain so much! So, on that note of urinary excess, I'll let you get on. :-)

Mind Meld

I was recently asked to contribute to SF Signal's Mind Meld series, which is a really cool idea where different authors comment on a similar theme or question.

Here's mine!

http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006215.html#more

Thanks to JP.

Solaris Book Giveaway!

Fantasy Book Critic has 5 sets of Solaris books to give away- yeah, for free! And there's nothing better than for free!! (although Anders Prime might have something to say about that, hoho- sorry, in-joke).

'In support of the upcoming February 26, 2008 release of “The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction: Volume II” and Jeffrey Thomas’ “Blue War”, Solaris Books has agreed to give away FIVE Solaris Books SF Prize Packs including copies of Andy Remic’s “War Machine”, Chris Roberson’s “The Dragon’s Nine Sons”, Jeffrey Thomas’ “Blue War” and “The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction: Volume II”'

You have until 26 February 2008 to enter.

Check out: http://fantasybookcritic.blogspot.com/2008/02/giveaway-win-solaris-books-sf-prize.html

And good luck!

Fizzy Fun!

Meet Fizz, my new liccle Border Collie puppy. I'm currently taking votes on how cute she is, out of 10. She's a little terror, yes, chewing everything and pooing in my boots, but hey, that's what puppies do, right? I was certainly nagged to death by my two little boys until I gave in and got a Fizz. And so, here she is in all her gory glory!

Marillion!

I know it's possibly exceedingly sad, but I've been listening nostalgically to the old Marillion stuff from my childhood, you know, Childhood's End, Fugazi and Clutching at Straws. Are there any other old crinkly prog-rock rockers out there? If so, wave your zimmer frame in the air and shout 'Derek Dick! You are the best!'

SLOW!

Ha, my wife and her brother recently had a family disagreement (re: he was a hypocritical arsehole). Anyway, humorously, the following morning the local council turned up bang outside his house, and in huge white letters, painted SLOW on the road. I found this incredibly amusing, and told all my friends, and they all found it incredibly amusing. One mate, a particularly droll and intelligent guy, pointed out something of importance. He said, 'Yeah, but the only reason they painted SLOW on the road is because they couldn't fit MISERABLE C***'.

Sometimes, I feel, God does work in mysterious ways.

Credit Card Fraud

I've been online shopping for about 11 years now with never a problem. However, the other day I received my credit card bill to see some cheeky son of a bitch had spent £1024 at an online makeup outfit. Hey, now I know I ain't pretty, but £1024 of make-up should be enough to cover even Posh Spice's face! The cheek! And so the moral of the story is: don't give your credit card details to online American toy shops for Doodlebop toys for your liccle boys for Christmas!!

Be warned.
I have warned you!