Hogmanay...

Rem is heading for Scotland today, and more importantly, the Scottish mountains, the finest and most incredibly beautiful landscape in the UK.

Hopefully, will be taking in at least Ben Lomond and Ben Vorlich, with another thrown in for fun. And then it's Hogmanay!! Yay!! Kilt time!!

So if anybody around Loch Lomond wants a beer, drop me a line :-)

Total Garbage...

Total Garbage
A Review of The Garbage Man by Joseph D’Lacey.
Andy Remic, December 2008.

I’ve been reading The Garbage Man by Joseph D’Lacey over the last few weeks, and it’s cool to see a resurgence of horror with writers like D’Lacey and Bill Hussey taking centre stage. These guys have also got a cool horror website up and running - Horror Reanimated - which has recently become a must-need read for me. Check out http://www.horrorreanimated.com.

Anyway, onto the book. The Garbage Man is a subtly skewed twist on reality in which D’Lacey plumbs a much underused minefield of original ideas and esoteric plot strands. The Garbage Man builds slowly empowering the reader with empathy for a plethora of interesting characters and their sometimes petty lives – all except Mason Brand, who for me was the star of the show, an intricate character brilliantly portrayed, with hidden depths and a host of unpredictable surprises woven into his weird hippy-extremes. Despite delicate sensibilities, however, Brand shows a very dark shadow of his twisted soul, and without wanting to give too much away, his nurturing and misplaced love goes horribly wrong, all controlled in a masterful way by D’Lacey.

The Garbage Man is a testament to trash, a carnival of crap, a festival of faecal matter! and when the (literal) shit hits the fan, the novel explodes more violently than dynamite in a sewage plant. D’Lacey’s creatures are original, inventive and unique, and filled with a turgid shit-filled menace that makes one want to shit his (or her) panties. Rarely have I read such an original twist on the monster genre, and this book begs to have a sequel!!

The writing is tight, polished, and flows well for the reader. Descriptions are intelligent, environments well-realised, and the plot builds to a satisfying climax. Negatives? A bit of a slow start for me, but then I’m a self-confessed alcohol junkie with the attention span of a goldfish (on junk). This element will no doubt appeal to Steven King fans, as there is so much good characterisation which leads the reader by the hand, then breaks his arm with a grin.

The ending is full of surprises, and caught me out. Lurking in the end scenes is a brilliant spark of originality which I am shamelessly going to plagiarise at every opportunity. Overall, then, The Garbage Man is intelligently written, with good characters, a strong plot, and that oh-so-rare element of originality lacking in much of today’s contemporary fiction.

The Garbage Man by Joseph D’Lacey. Hey... it’s garbage, man. Total garbage!! In a good way. Highly recommended :-)

Apologies...

Apologies for my lack of recent updates, and also for my lack of recent podcast chapters. I did some teaching work in a high school in November, and contracted what I can only surmise to be ebola from some of the toxic deviant pupils therein. For several weeks I have been "coughing up a lung" in the words of Cypress Hill (although I do recognise their dubious meaning, heh) and lost my voice, my libido, and subsequently my will to live. Anyway, having gradually recovered in time for Christmas (a hundred cans of Stella, and he didn't think it too many) I am back in the game, back on the ball, and still full of shit. Will have some very good news to report soon, about a certain miffed off robot...

Cheers
Rem.

Infected...

Got a mentionon Scott Sigler's website this month, and Scott very kindly plugged my SPIRAL podcast in his recent episode (#36) of Infected - which I totally recommend!! Scott's site is at http://www.scottsigler.com/ for lots more info on his ass-kicking novels and podcasts.

Interview #2

OK, here's another new interview I did recently for Concept Sci-fi, a very well presented website. The addy is http://www.conceptscifi.com/iaremic.htm and I join the fine company of Charles Stross, Neal Asher and Richard Morgan, amongst others.

My other recent interview is at the cool MilScxifi.com, again a superbly presented website. Read it at http://www.milscifi.com/files/inter-AR-BH.htm.

I must say, there are some brilliant SF websites around these days. Very professional!! You guys have got it good.

Box o' Books

One of the best parts of writing a novel is when you finally get your sticky paws on the finished product. Here's a box of mass market paperbacks from Solaris, 10 each of War Machine and Biohell, both due out February 2009.

So, if you want a copy for review then drop Mark Newton at Solaris a line and he'll happily supply one. Both are chunky and very well produced, and I especially like the artwork on the spine. Can't wait to see them on the shelves!!

Play the Sax...

Just read a really cool interview with the Sax Man. Check out:

http://www.conceptscifi.com/isbullock.htm.

Sax has written a novel called The Hypernova Gambit and is currently represented by the John Jarrold Lit Agency. And... and he likes beards!! Just like me :-)

New Interview.

MilSciFi recently conducted an interview with Mr Remic, and it's just been posted over at-
http://www.milscifi.com/files/inter-AR-BH.htm

Just be warned, I'd had a few very strong cups of coffee when I drivelled some of the answers and they're, heh heh, interesting. I was bouncing like Butthead. And yes, my butthole will speak now.

WAR MACHINE PODCAST NOW LIVE!

Yep, this book is now in the process of being serialised as a podcast, and is available from www.podiobooks.com.

WAR MACHINE-

In a time of post-Singularity and FTL travel, Combat K are elite and murderous combat squads trained by the Quad-Gal Military specialising in interrogation, infiltration, assassination and detonation. Their gameplan is simple: to end The Helix War, which had raged across galaxies for a thousand years.

Ex-soldier Keenan, a stocky battered war veteran, addicted to Jataxa spirit yet still horribly efficient at his job, is working as a private investigator on a planet at the peaceful fringes of the Quad-Gal. Following the death of his family, Keenan is riddled with guilt and self-loathing, and carries a need for revenge which consumes him. When a prince from Jervai Province offers him a case on a dangerous colony world in exchange for clues that may lead to his family's murderer, Keenan is dragged from his self-pity. However, to have any chance of success he must gather together his old military unit, a group who swore they'd never work together again...

Through the tribal jungles of Ket, the mean chaotic streets of The City, the mission leads the squad to Teller's World, a Dead World, and home of the extinct God Leviathan... and there Keenan will find answers to his deepest nightmares... and face an ancient, evil terror older than The Four Galaxies.

Randy Toss.

Sorry, but am I the only person who thinks Brand and Ross should be horse-whipped, then spend 48 hours in the stocks? Obviously I’m not, judging by the amount of complaints the BBC had regarding the “comedy” heaped upon poor Andrew Sachs. I see today Brand has resigned his position from the BBC… but, is this enough? Now, I agree capital punishment is probably a little harsh in most cases (Gary Glitter and his ilk excepting), but surely in a case like this we could return to that most comedic of punishments, the stocks? Lock Randy Brand and Toss in wooden stocks for 48 hours, pelt them with rotten fruit and other amusing objects (a lump hammer, a chisel, a chainsaw, haha!!) and let them suffer a little of the humiliation heaped upon Sachs by their comments, broadcast, and subsequent explosion of media recognition.

Alternatively, I’m willing to come out of retirement and spend an hour in the ring with these two muppets. And I’m damn sure Ricky Hatton wouldn’t mind a round or three.

Sachs is such a lovely bloke, and I’ve just watched his response to the two hairy reprobates. And yes, he’s too nice to pursue matters further – that’s why they chose him. And yes, they sent him very nice letters – they were begging for their jobs.

What 78 year old grandfather deserves this sort of treatment?

And Russel! Mate! Get a haircut! And a shave. Haha.

Judge Dread.

Ha! For the first time in history I am to be a judge in a competition. For more details (and humorous photos of Andy Remic getting intimate with a Chieftain tank) head over to http://fantasybookcritic.blogspot.com/.

You could win a box full of Solaris books :-)

And Now For Something Completely Different.

OK. Three items here:

1] BIOHELL is out tomorrow, 28th October, in the US. Finally!! It feels like I wrote this book about three years ago... and yes, it's been a VERY long year.

2] WAR MACHINE podcasts go live on 31st October - fittingly, Halloween (the horror, the horror) and can be snaffled from http://www.podiobooks.com/.

3] XFACTOR was much better this week :-) I especially liked the charity song, with proceeds going to Help For Heroes and the British Legion Poppy Appeal - 2 brilliant worthwhile causes. Here's the link- http://xfactor.itv.com/videos/video-detail/item_200389.htm

Cheryl Cole was still a replicant on the show. Maybe that's why she walked out..... Deckard barged in, hunting her down with a Laser Tube.

XXX Factor.

It’s got to be said, I was enjoying X Factor until last Saturday’s travesty. A late convert, I was never what could be considered a fan, and hated, actually felt physical hate for Simon Cowell, with his smug face and plastic haircut. However, when my big burly mate JK got into it, I mused there had to be something in the chirpy chirpings of various cheepy cheap cheeps. And so, after my wife attached electrodes to my testicles, I was forced to endure XFAC. And you know what? I really enjoyed it. There you go. I’ve said it. Yes, I like machine guns. Yes, I like movies where people shoot other people in the face. And yes, I like chucking myself down motorbike verts. And now... I like the X Factor. JK was right... Until Saturday’s fiasco.

OK. Here’s my problem. Michael Jackson night. What? I mean, WHAT? What’s it going to be next week? Gary Glitter night? Macc Lads night? X Factor does Roy Chubby Brown songs? Well, the contestants all gave it a good shot. But let’s be brutally honest here, even the best were the worst, and the worst just not good enough. Girl Band. We should just call them Crap Band and get it over with. And even the notables, like Eoaoghane and Laura couldn’t save the show. Eoaogooane’s baby face was too sickly sweet, made me feel like I was gargling sugar, whereas Laura sounded like a mincing cat in a mincer. The rest of the bands should have been banned after their predictably awful warbling, and as for the rough bird with five kids – well, just who keeps telling her she looks good in those suits? And with that hair? And that bad attitude? Now she’s like a peacock on mescaline, and you have to groan and acknowledge she won’t be going away. We have the Pontin’s reject, let’s call him Slick, who actually thinks he’s slick but in reality is just a manipulated monkey who’s going to fall and Fall Big and Cry A Lot, and then that guy with the gelled black hair like spider legs. Who can’t sing. And then you the Other Boy Bands. The Really Bad Ones. So, a mixed bag in all. Yes. A bag of X Factor rejects.

And now to the judges. OK, Walsh is quietly amusing, but if we’re honest, has little idea about what makes a good tune, and to my mind at least, is completely tone deaf (he did manage Boyzone, come on). Daniiii Minogue – what the **** is she doing on the show? Daniiiii, who only ever got her squidgy little mug on TV on the coat-tails of her much more famous/ better looking/ more glamorous/ infinitely more talented sister and is now judging other musicians without possessing any talent whatsoever. Pass me a needle and thread, my sides are splitting. Cheryl Cole. Hmm. The Queen of No Emotion. She says the right words, but it does not transfer to her face or eyes. She is a robot. A replicant. Certainly, a repellent. Either that, or she’s wearing that much makeup over her plastic surgery one cannot see the facial expressions beneath the trowel-applied mask (unless, of course, a pretty black dude waltzes on stage. Husband? What’s that then?).

Finally, we get to Simon Cowell. And herein lies the irony. The man I used to hate, well, now I reserve man-love for him. I would like to bear his children. Because, in a maelstrom of insanity, he is the only sane voice. He’s funny, truthful, compassionate, empathic, and knows his game. What I used to think of as acerbic hatred is actually spot-on observation. So, big round of applause for Simon. He deserves it. And, um, I suppose that’s why he’s a multi-millionaire.
And please please please don’t allow Girls Aloud (Girls Allowed?) sing on the show again. To have a supposedly professional band put in a singular warbling performance worse than all the amateur contestants put together was painful and cringe-worthy to watch (endure). Just bad. Bad bad bad. If it gets any worse, I won’t be tuning in any more. And that would be a shame, because I can’t wait for Cheryl Cole to sing I’m the Leader of the Gang (I Am).

BIOHELL Hits The Mean Streets...

BIOHELL hits the United States of America in trade paperback, October 28th 2008, followed by a UK mass-market paperback on February 5th 2009.

Go out and buy it. You won't regret it!!

Some of the author's fave quotes:

"One step at a time, compadre. We’re not supermen! Well, at least, you’re not."

Franco.

"Hey! I’m not just some uncouth, misogynistic, beer-drinking, heterosexual power-house, with no appreciation of the finer points of science, literature and art. Am I?"

Franco.

"You’ve got it all wrong, Keenan, my friend. You have a twisted perspective. A deviated standpoint. This world. This life. This nightmare. I’m the only sane thing in it. It’s everybody else that’s mad. The pills just make your insanity bearable."

Franco.

"Damn that vegetable spunk slime."

Franco.

ENJOY!!

Off To A Good Start...

Wow. Spiral seems to be doing OK on Podiobooks!

SPIRAL audio podcast...

... is now live.

You can hear audio trailers on my website, at www.andyremic.com, and the serialised audio chapters themselves can be dowloaded from www.podiobooks.com.

War Machine audio podcasts to follow shortly.......

And all FREE! Yes, FREE!! What a jolly kind soul I am :-)

Newcon 4

Yup, I'll be trogging down to Northampton this weekend for the promising "Newcon4" which is, entertainingly, being held in a fish market. Iain Banks, Ken Macleod, Storm Constantine- hell, it appears this weekend they will be stinking of cod, hoho.

Looking forward to seeing Ian Watson, he of Orgasmachine fame (in Japan, certainly). I've been reading Orgasmachine recently, and it is truly a superb work, visionary, and brim full of wonderful ideas (the skins in Jade's wardrobe is my current favourite). I will break with tradition (my tradition of not writing reviews, anyway) and post a full review when I've completed this (short) masterpiece. Wonderful!

Also wonderful, loathe though I am to admit it, is Mark Newton's The Reef. I was pleasantly surprised upon reading this tome (after all, I know the dude) and hereby, and with great regret, have to admit it's a fine book. Damn. I was looking forward to giving it a proper slagging. Actually, I might just lie and make up a really grotesque review in the future. :-) Newton deserves no less.

Horror Reanimated.

I've got to admit, I'm a real old school horror fan, a proper stalwart of the original James Herbert and Stephen King stuff (and even Guy N. Smith, shudder - who remembers the horror of The Slugs, and that exorcist ex-SAS dude, Sabat!!), which I read from the age of about 13. I found it distressing when horror popularity dipped a few years back (having written a couple of old unpublished horror novels myself), but I am totally thrilled it's making a revival. At the forefront of this new horrorific knife in the ribs are two guys who I admire, namely Bill Hussey and Joseph D'Lacey, authors of Through a Glass, Darkly, and MEAT respectively.

So, imagine my delight when these two dudes joined forces to blog about the horror scene! Wonderful! Point your mouse over to http://horrorreanimated.wordpress.com/ for some sweet-smelling fun and frolics from the horror scene......

PODCASTS!

I've been working for the last couple of weeks on the opening podcast episodes of SPIRAL (2003) and WAR MACHINE (2007). I thought it was about time I said a few thankyous because, what I thought would be a happy little jaunt of crooning into a mic turned into damn hard work and a steep learning curve. I'm a writer, a teacher, but not an audio engineer. Now I know the difference between 64kbps and 128kbps, between 44100 kHz and 48000 kHz, I know about lame encoders, about over-modulation and the wonder that is levelling software. Anyway, none of the podcasts would have happened without the following people, and I offer thanks:
1] Evo Terra, main guy at podiobooks.com - for his patience with an idiot author.
2] The podiobooks.com community - for consistently telling me my machine gun effects were too loud.
3] Mark Newton and the guys at Solaris - for permission to podcast War Machine.
4] Darren Nash (and legal people) at Orbit Books - for permission to podcast Spiral.

Thank you all!!

Popdcasts will be appearing soon on www.podiobooks.com, which will also be linked via my website.

BIOHELL... at last!!

An lo! so a package arrived from Mark Charan Newton at Solaris, and inside it did verily contain BIOHELL, the US trade paperback edition, and lo! ... it was good.

It's that time of the year, when you finally get to hold your freshly printed novel and it all suddenly starts to feel real. No more paper scripts and PDF files... here it is, the real book in print and in your hands and looking damn fine!! (if I say so myself).

New BIOHELL book blurb:

The City: an entire planet teeming with corruption, guns, sex, and designer drugs. Humans are upgraded by the injection of microscopic nanobots, courtesy of a new technology from the Nano-Tek corporation, but when this highly desirable technology heads onto the black market, millions of people inject themselves with pirated biomods - and transform into zombies. Now they roam the streets, out for blood, packing shotguns and bombs. The Combat K squad are dropped into this warzone to uncover what's turned the planet into a wasteland of murder and mutations, and soon their focus is on the darkness at the Nano-Tek corporation itself...

Can't wait to see it on the shelves :-)

Podcasts and Th3M1ss1ng.

For a long, long time I've been toying with the idea of recording a scene from one of my novels and releasing in on the website. Then, recently, I stumbled across Scott Sigler's website and he podcasts all his own work...... right, I thought. Time to put in a bit of effort, you lazy monkey, so after buying a decent microphone and contacting my good friends, Th3 M1ss1ng, hardcore indie junkie rock horror metal band, who kindly offered to provide intro, outro and backing music for my rabid musings, things started to - finally - come together.

It's surprising the work involved in podcasting. It surprised the hell out of me!! However, I've done a couple of samples and the good folks at podiobooks are giving me handy advice. Soon, I'll be ready to release....

Hopefully, I'm going to podcast SPIRAL and WAR MACHINE in weekly episodes, via my own website and podiobooks and any other damn website who'll have me. Not that I'm an audio whore or anything. Just awaiting permission :-)

Also, check out Th3 M1ss1ng's website.... they're a cross between Nine Inch Nails and Portishead. Mellow and harsh at the same time, and very, very cool. Check out http://www.myspace.com/th3m1ss1ng for some cool vibes.

And watch out for Andy Remic's attack on the world of the podcast.......

Updated Website.

I've finally got round to doing a few updates to my website, after a reasonable sloth-like hiatus. So if you want to know when I'm out and about, or download a fine high resolution desktop image of the War Machine artwork (courtesy of Dave Seeley and Tor.com) then that's the place to look.

I'll also be appearing at Fantasycon in Nottingham, on the Saturday (20th September). I'll probably be at the bar. I'll probably have a pint. Come and say "Hello" and we can argue the finer points of Blade Runner and motorbikes.

Sharp Edge.

I've climbed 3 rocks this month, Blencathra, up via Sharp Edge on 3rd August, Old Man of Coniston, and yesterday, Skiddaw. All 3 were thoroughly enjoyable, but man did I suffer on Sharp Edge - due to what I believed to be defective (and defecating) boots. It was truly, honestly, as slippery as the slopes of Hell, and it felt like climbing on ice, so much so, sometimes I used my knees in order to get better traction than my crappy boots. Anyway, imagine my horror when I read the report below. Just shows - this ain't a game, and I certainly won't be taking my children up any of these trecherous routes in the near future!!

Woman Dies in Lake District Plunge

3:00pm UK, Saturday August 30, 2008
A woman has died after she fell 200 feet from a mountainside in the Lake District along with her husband and six-year-old daughter. All three were airlifted to a Carlisle hospital in two Sea King helicopters following the plunge, but medics were unable to save the life of the 38-year-old woman.
Her husband, 48, and daughter survived the fall and are being treated for non-life threatening injuries, a Cumbria Police spokeswoman said.
She added: "Officers can confirm that the three people involved were a family from Peterborough.
"Tragically the 38-year-old wife and mother has been pronounced dead.
"Police will not be releasing the identity of any of the family members at this stage."
The Ministry of Defence, which sent rescue helicopters from RAF Bulmer and RAF Valley, said the family had fallen while walking on Sharp Edge, Blencathra.
The dramatic ridge walk is popular with hikers, but can be a precarious route.
Keswick Mountain Rescue lists 53 reported incidents on Sharp Edge in the last 60 years, with nine that resulted in death.
Most accidents involved hikers losing their footing on slippery rock.
An MoD spokesman said: "We believe they tumbled or fell about 200 feet.
"The second helicopter recovered the lady who had fallen and took her to hospital.
"The first helicopter was scrambled at about 2.45pm.
"It was wet and slippy. They were just below the cloud line around 2,000 feet up the mountain. It is quite steep there.
"Two other adults were taken down the mountain by Keswick Mountain Rescue team."

A note from walkingforum.co.uk:

A very sad reminder, if one was needed, that mountains can be dangerous places. Clearly no-one knows the circumstances but Sharp edge is comprised of slate which when wet is extremely slippy and there are a couple of exposed moves along it. No-one should underestimate this ridge scramble which, on a warm dry day is an absolute delight but when wet turns into something very different !

XFactor Ariel. Oh dear oh dear.

This isn't an angry young female. This isn't a radical feminist. This isn't even entertainment. This is simply an idiot. Put her in the stocks and pelt with rotten fruit immediately, please.

The panel (and I know I'm scraping the barrel here watching XFac, but hey, I was coerced) didn't even NEED to speak. "Ariel" (you're looking different here, Mr Turpin) made a complete fool of herself simply by opening her mouth.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

NEWCON 4

Just bought my ticket for Newcon4, 11th and 12th October 2008. Looks like it's going to be a really good gig, with Iain Banks, Storm Constantine, Ian Watson and Ken MaCleod amongst others. And of course, much beer :-) And Mark Newton's humorous shirts!!

Below is a write-up of Newcon3, last years event, just to whet your appetite:

On October 1st and 2nd, in Northampton’s gorgeous NeoGothic Guildhall, the members of Northampton SF Writers Group presented NewCon3, a convention on the theme of progress through time. Consequently H.G. Wells was present, and the compère throughout was the jolly and effervescent official Town Jester of Northampton (sometimes on stilts of bendy metal) who brought along his ladder of swords and his bed of nails, which made a considerable impression on those who volunteered to try it out, such as Simon Bradshaw and Ian Watson, about 200 impressions each in fact. Strolling players strolled and played, with Andy West like a Pied Piper on his flute and giant Irish whistles. A merry Ceilidh occurred, where Gwyneth Jones tried to strangle Ian Watson for whistling Vivaldi, the background music to her lengthy telephone dispute concerning her computer. Gwyneth was one of the finalists for the Booktrust Teenage Prize, with Siberia by her alter ego Ann Halam; and also present was another finalist, Sarah Singleton, for her Gothic Century; but they declined to engage in armed combat despite a vigorous sword-fighting demonstration conducted by Neil Bond, leading to Jon Courtenay Grimwood revealing a hidden yearning to be Errol Flynn. (A while later, Sarah won the award.) Cambridge historian, and soon to be DAW novelist, Kari Maund gave a talk on Viking towns and also won the NewCon3 short story competition with “Saltus Lunae,” the prize being publication in Matrix (Jan-Feb 2006). Phil Nanson from Cambridge discoursed on damascening. Virgin Spaceways sent a promotional video to anchor a panel on holidays in space, the world première of this video. Lots of stimulating panels took place, starring amongst others globe-trotting Paul Billinger and ace cook & gourmet Ian Whates, mainstay of the NSFWG. (NWSFG Treasurer Ian Pursey is another mainstay. Many members are called Ian, though this isn’t a requirement of membership. Sword-wielding Susan Sinclair is the Secretary). Luminary Peter Weston participated with stars in his eyes, discoursing in a panel upon “The Birth of Science Fiction”. Other panels discussed “What if Time Stops but You Can Still Move Around?” and “How Has 20th Century SF Predicted the Future?” and “Space Opera and the Re-emergence of British SF”.Steve Cockayne demonstrated his giant puppets, one of which bears a startling resemblance to himself, which inspired characters in his Legends of the Land novels. Cardinal Cox interviewed Liz Williams. Claire Weaver interviewed Jon Courtenay Grimwood. Fangorn presented a slide show featuring concept sketches for Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, although H.G. Wells felt obliged to tick Fangorn off for this collaboration, once more relocating a version of his masterpiece to America. Feasting occurred in Chinese and Indian restaurants. The real ale didn’t run out. H.G. Wells became custodian of the NewCon award for best time travel book, a surreal inside-out clock created by Neil Bond. An art show delighted the eyes.

NEWCON4 tickets can be reserved online at: http://www.newcon4.com/newcon/main/ and I am reliably informed the program of events is soon to be complete. There are still hotel rooms available as I write!! I know. I booked one.

Gail Martin Podcast Interview

NEW!! Podcast interview by Gail Z. Martin, author of The Summoner and The Blood King, with Andy Remic, author of War Machine etc etc etc.

All new Ghost in the Machine podcasts for 2008 with an all-star roster of authors from science fiction, fantasy and paranormal!!!!

http://www.chroniclesofthenecromancer.com/page/page/3827767.htm

NEW--Gail talks with military science fiction author Andy Remic about censorship and how society decides who is "safe" to write "disturbing fiction." Although, admittedly, Andy strays way off task and starts gibbering about zombies and bad hair.

Radio Interview Now Live.

And yes, my 4.30AM interview with Howard Margolin of Destines - The Voice of Science Fiction is now live!! It can be downloaded from http://www.captphilonline.com/Destinies.html and then you too can smirk at the pointless ramblings of a hungover 4.30AMer :-) called REM.

Enjoy. I did. Howard's a real nice guy, and I enjoyed the interview thoroughly.

Radio Interview.

Just a quickie, doing a radio reading and interview tonight - 11.30PM US time, 4.30AM UK time, for WUSB Destinies Voice - The Voice of Science Fiction.

You can stream the station online. Check out www.wusb.org and http://www.captphilonline.com/Destinies.html.

US Diary #6 - A Perfect Day.

Homer!! We are not worthy!! Etc.


Up reasonably early, drove to Daytona Beach stopping via the Waffle House (or Wapple House, as my 2 year old Ollie calls it) for a, quite frankly, unseemly huge breakfast feast. Waddled out, back into the car on squeaking suspension, then continued the rest of the journey to the beach. Out in the sun, splashing in the waves, building sand castles etc etc. The boys loved it, and the sun was beaming and the world felt good. Cleaned off sticky sand, went to my favourite biker shop in Daytona (Hot Leathers, yeah, I know...) where I got some Bike Week t-shirts and checked out the open-face lids (I’ll be getting one before I return to the UK, probably with a flames symbol, maybe an eagle symbol, possibly a flaming eagle eating flames symbol) then over to the Daytona International Speedway race track, which was surprisingly ace. Did the official tour, checked out the NASCAR motors and the original 1929 Bluebird, saw the IMAX film of Daytona 500 and went on a “simulator” which was good fun. After this, went for a slap-up Italian meal in a non-franchise restaurant and ate absolutely so much food that I resembled a pot-bellied pig (don’t say anything, you lot giggling at the back). Waddled once again back to the car, and cruised back to the villa. Read some of Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods (which I was thoroughly enjoying until he skipped a hundred miles of his Appalachian Trail adventure with a taxi/ hire-car combination, thus earning my disrespect, the lazy pie-eating individual). Settled down with a large Tequila (eat the worm), and watched some Long Way Round with Ewan McGregor and his long-haired monkey friend, Charlie, which I thoroughly enjoyed for its Britishness. After all, American TV truly does suck. A Perfect Day, no less.

US Diary #5

Went shopping today. Bought lots of things I shouldn’t. Spent way too much money I didn’t have (ze beauty of ze credit card, no?). Played in the pool with the kids. And.... At last!! Did some work on HARDCORE, my new novel, planning the beast through from where I’m at, pretty much to its scintillating hardcore high-octane conclusion. I’m very very happy with this.

Checked out a local book shop, and they had my books!!! Yayy!! Bought Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods, which is totally brilliant, very succinctly and humorously written.

At 10pm went round and told the neighbours off for making way too much noise. It sounded like they were murdering each other in the pool, and quite frankly, I wish they were. There were 25 of them in their villa. 25!! Talk about economising, the penny-pinching backwood comedy rednecks!!

US Diary #4

It starts off like a tiny insect bite. Mostly unnoticed, then a gentle swelling which itches, or nags with a lull that eventually comes to your attention. Eventually, infection sets in, swells rapidly to a torrent of toxins which overrun your system with such violence you start to bubble and melt inside. Your hair falls out, your internal organs liquefy, you pee blood and regurgitate bile and toxic pus.

What am I talking about? Why, American theme parks, of course. And specifically, the ones in Florida which I am currently forced to endure for the pleasure of my little boys who want to see Barney, and Shrek, Buzz Lightspears, Mickey Monkey, Spiderspunk and bloody Donald the bloody Dunk.

OK. I love the US. I love the people. But the gradual toxic poisoning of my system leading to total mental meltdown and a loathing so great you could bottle it and sell it to serial killers began with theme park car parking. So simple, you inquire? Well, yeah. After queuing to get into the damn park (in this case Universal, but hey, count Disney in this tirade as well) you then queue to pay for parking. This is on top of the extortionate park pass fees you’ve just stumped up for. Pay. To. Park. Then, you trudge for klicks to the bag searches, where you queue to have your bag searched by an incompetent. Really. I could have smuggled a thermo-nuclear device past these goons. Then, you trudge again, and queue to buy tickets (if you’ve foolishly arrived without, which many people have). Then you queue past the queue for tickets, queuing to get into the damn place. All of this in the broiling Florida heat meaning you stink like a fish market before setting foot on park. However, at least this gets you in the general mood for the gig, for your main activities of the day will be a] trudging, and b] queuing. You see, you’ll trudge halfway across the park (as always happens, daddy daddy, I want to go on Jaws) and you arrive, either to find the queue is an hour long, or the ride has shut down due to leaves on the track, inclement weather or mysterious ‘technical difficulties’ which doesn’t really instil faith, especially on the fast rides. So you trudge around some more. Then you queue, more often than not in the sun with a foot-pedalled fan drifting warm, oddly-smelling air over you as loud people talk loudly around you and at you. But what’s really amusing is that you queue for the entrance, but with most ‘rides’ they let you through the entrance and you think ‘thank Donald for that’, only now you’ve shuffled into a room and the doors are closed, like cattle being taken for slaughter. As you all stand, mooing, you’re shown some pointless video and you gradually realise the ‘ride’ hasn’t yet started, but that you’re now enduring filler. Yup. That’s right. It’s a mind-job. You’re being conned into thinking it’s started, when in reality you’re stood in a room, now in another queue. Sometimes, you go through two of these cattle-slaughter pens, thus queuing a total of three times to get to the dam ‘attraction’, which is then regularly so pathetic that you wished you just spent the previous hour with your head down the toilet. Even somebody else’s toilet.
You queue for the rides. You queue to queue for the rides. You queue for a coke, a beer, a pizza, a pee. You queue to queue. What a joke.

Today, as I (surprisingly) queued yet again, I realised what a wonderful, wonderful scam these theme parks are. Not only have you paid for entry, and paid to park, paid for warm coke etc etc, but the majority of what you’ve paid for is to queue. I don’t like queuing. I don’t queue. I was an English teacher. Straight to the front of the dinner queue, slapping the little kids on the back of the head with my dinner tray. The Chinese don’t queue. They have the right idea.

And this, dear reader, is why I hate Florida theme parks. But the greatest irony, and why Universal and Disney will always win (and take my dollars, the scheming con-artists), is that my kids love it. And so, as a dutiful father, I am forced to endure Barney in perpetuity. Or until the little brats are 18. I’ll get back to you later. Much later. My thoughts are now in a queue.

Comicon Promotion.

Comic-Con International is a non-profit educational organization dedicated to creating awareness of, and appreciation for, comics and related popular art forms, primarily through the presentation of conventions and events that celebrate the historic and ongoing contribution of comics to art and culture.

Comic-Con International:San Diego2008 San DiegoConvention Center111 W. Harbor DriveSan Diego, CA 92101

July 24-27 at the San Diego Convention Centre. So, over my birthday then. When I will be a year older!! Not that it matters, because I am a zombie, and will live forever.

Contact:

http://www.comic-con.org/

US Diary #3

Drove out to Clearwater today. Man, is this place Paradise!! The drive over was pretty good, not too busy, even past Tampa (which can be hell, I know, I’ve queued - a kind of M62 car-park for middle-Florida). Did a steady 85, well, the Americans do it and I’ve got a nice big car. Found a nice spot on the beach, and there were dolphins playing out in the bay. The sun was scorchio, and the boys played under a the shelter of an umbrella. Took them down to paddle in the ocean, and they giggled and threw shells at each other. Ollie, who’s only 2 and a bit, giggled like a maniac and did funny little dances in the surf. We also played wave-splashing, and the boys built sandcastles with their buckets and spades. Aww.

Anyway, my wife and I were here about 5 years ago, and went to an ace little Greek restaurant facing the beach. Well, it’s still there, only more "fast-foodicised" now, and looking a lot different, more modern and plastic. Went in for lunch anyway, but some of the same original Greek staff were there, and we picked Souvlaki platters which were just absolutely scrummy. I was asking the waitress about the old Greek place, and she knew what I was talking about so this wasn’t just some drunken figment of my sun-fried zombie imagination. Had the best, just the best meal I’ve had in the US for a long long time. Forget steak, forget pizza and burger smush. This was great traditional, um, Greek food. In Florida.

Back to the beach, read some more Bill Bryson (I just love his outlook on both the UK and US, and his statistics are, amusingly, amusing) and Sonia proceeded to turn lobster pink. I mean, real neon nuclear legs. Finally, after frying like eggs in a pan, we checked out some MuckyDonalds ice-creams and headed back to the villa, just creeping under the evening rush-hour by the whisker of a cat’s tail. Or something. Got back to the villa and had a much-deserved cold Budweiser, and a funny dancing session where we applied cold cream to our burnt bits (the kids, obviously, escaped this because we had them syrup-smeared in Factor Stupido).

Ported over my photos, which are just cracking. The white beaches of Clearwater are pretty hard to beat. And couple that with Greeko-Americano food? Can’t beat it bubba.

US Diary #2

The Not-So-Wonderful Wonderful Wonderworks.

Lounged in the pool all morning, playing with the boys and getting soaked and losing at "kerbie". We ordered some Universal and Wonderworks tickets on the net, then drove to Ponciana to pick them up. Bargain. Cheap as chips etc. Was overcome by an incredible hunger (this was 10.30am, and no, I’m not usually a Pig in a Poke at this early morning brunch slot). Stopped at Subway, and bought a foot long meatball marinara with jalapeno peppers and onion and honey mustard. Mmm. Be a pig, be a pig, be a pig! It cost, get this, $5. That’s a smidge over £2.50. Bargain! No wonder so many Americans are fat. If I lived here, I’d certainly turn into Jabba the Hutt (yeah yeah, I know, I’m getting there already).

My wife needed some shades, so we drove to Prime outlets and the Sunglasses Hut. I said to her, I said, don’t drag me in, I can’t help myself around Oakleys. But no. She had to drag me in. And what turned into a cheap shopping trip for my wife, turned into another Oakley buying session for me. I am a bad man. I cannot help myself. After all, what kind of person needs five pairs of Oakleys? Five, I tell ye? It’s just not proper. Not human. Not normal. I bought some Oakley Riddles, the polarised ones. Very, very nice. Very.. mm.. Oakley. I know, spoilt brat, more money than sense, etc etc.

Picked up our Universal and Wonderworks tickets, parked up in Pizza Hut and went into the "Wonderful Wonderworks" which from the outside looks awesomely impressive, a house which is completely upside down complete with upside down lamp-posts and palm trees. Great. In we went, through a promising spinning corridor which makes you want to puke, and out into - well, a very hot room filled with tat. Yes, some of the tat was mildly interesting, and the bed of nails was superb (although I was the only one with the balls (and steel skin) to lie on it; everybody else bottled it) and it burned a bit like a tattoo and made you wonder if you were about to be impaled. Made me feel like I was in an Arabian Knights movie. The rest of the "attractions" were OK. Some face stretching screen endeavours, some green-screen action, a few mechanical devices displaying load and effort. In the lift, an enthusiastic man kept enthusing that you were in the "wonderful" Wonderworks, but I had to disagree. For our $50 we spent about an hour there, which is always a bad sign, and left bathed in sweat (no aircon in Florida?). I think it was a simple ruse to cook you from the premises.

Anyway, on the way back to the villa stopped at an "Authentic English Pub", run by Americans obviously. I really, really, really should have learnt my lesson in these places. After all, all the authentic "Irish Bars" are 99.9% of the time guaranteed to be nothing of the sort, as any Irish-born person will tell you. So then, the English pub had English beers, and we enjoyed a few and I taught my eldest boy (5, nearly 6) to play the mainstay of all British boozers, pool. Now, I am no stalwart of pool, and in fact the last time I played in a real-world UK boozer setting, I performed the most amazing shot, lifting a ball from the felt and depositing it in a mate’s beer. In my younger years, I had been known to knock people out cold with a misplaced cue ball. Anyway, I did my best, but my five year old beat me on his first game.

Got chatting to a couple of local women who worked at Perkins up the road, and had a really good chat where I pumped them for information on Blue Shield insurance cards, and the difference between a State Trooper and a County Sherriff, and what the alcohol tolerance levels were in Florida (about the same as the UK, apparently). I thought it was zero tolerance. The women thought the UK had zero tolerance. Seems there are quite few misconceptions flying about.

Back to the villa, and chilled out for the rest of the evening. Had a Chinese delivery, which was great on volume, not so great on quality. I live in a place which is horrendous, in my opinion, but has some awesome Chinese takeaways. Orlando is awesome, but the curry is urine. I think I’ll settle for pee-curry anyday.

Had an early night. Read my Bill Bryson book (ace!). Damn this jet-lag.

US Diary #1

I've decided to do some irregular diary entries whilst in the US, a country I absolutely love. So, spurred on by Bill Bryson, here's THE FLIGHT.

Flying, for me, is like having a tattoo. I love the end product, but the process is painful. And, like having a tattoo (which is damn painful, and anybody who says it isn’t is just a plain liar in the same mould of those fake-tanned guys who wear t-shirts when it’s -2° outside), with flying you always forget the pain. Until the next time.

Early start, up at 4am, drove to Manchester airport and everything was going smoothly. Breakfast, kids behaving, tiny queue at check-in. Great. Then, approaching the gate for boarding, the whole gang were shuffled ¼ of a mile to a different gate where we sat for an hour, reaching and exceeding our flight time without any explanation, then moved to a barrage of many groans, all the damn way back to the original gate. Arse. We finally boarded amidst Monarch’s apologies (but as my good friend Jake would say, apologies are like arseholes - everybody’s got one) and took up battle formation in our four central seats. Me on one end, Sonia on the other, and our two bouncing boys in the middle Hmm. Should be a long flight.
Amusing flight anecdotes. Well, it was funny when Sonia took Olly to the toilet and he peed all over her foot. Funny for me, anyway. Also funny when Joe announced to half the Boeing 767 "I’m gonna be sick!" and we scrambled for the sick bags. Also funny when we bought the tiny monkey cans of coke, and proceeded to pour our own brandy into the glass feeling slightly like naughty schoolchildren at the back of the class, doing something we shouldn’t. OK. Here’s the deal with the brandy thing. It’s not a financial thing. Actually, it is, but more linked to principles. The airline states you cannot consume your own liquor aboard their aircraft for safety reasons. Oh yeah? Like... what? Despite the fact that they’ll sell you an unlimited amount of liquor in little comedy bottles, oblivious to yours or anybody else’s safety whilst doing so. What a joke. I bought a litre bottle of Three Barrels brandy in the airport for £8. On the plane, they were charging £3.20 for 5cl of same liquor. That’s £6.40 for 10cl, or, get this, an incredible £64.00 a litre. Profiteering? Monarch airlines? On top of my 2 grand plane tickets? Never. So, giggling like kids, me and Sonia chucked in our own brandy whilst giving the middle finger to profiteering bureaucracy in the process.

Happily jolly, the flight was going great. Only, I have a problem. The problem is a delicate constitution on flights. Apparently, on a flight all the gases in your body, i.e. your guts, swell up. This makes people fart. A lot. Normally, I’m fine on these long-haul flights. Unless I drink. Every single time I travel, I recite the mantra I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. And then, like a comedy dumb arse, I drink. Thus, as night follows day, as man followed the dinosaur, as sexual deviancy follows appointed politicians, I proceeded to an upset stomach situation and spent too much time in the bog.

Spending my penance in the airplane bog, slightly drunk on prohibition brandy, I had time to reflect on Jeremy Clarkson’s claim of how to beat the airline anti-smoking policy. Now, I’m not smoker, but tell me I can’t smoke and I immediately want to. I know, dumb-arse obstinacy and sheer bloody-mindedness, but then I never said I had all my sanity, did I? Clarkson (fine toilet reading, by the way, not that I’m trying to insinuate I correlate Clarkson with crap) says you can smoke in an airplane toilet if you hold the flush and smoke with your head down the pan. Well, I tried this, and the toilet only sucks for a short period. Certainly not enough to disguise your smoking. My subsequent capture and interrogation by the plane’s captain was just a testament to how Clarkson needs a slap on the legs when I next see him. Or maybe I deserve the slap for listening to his rambling. (This is of course, a joke. I am not stupid enough to smoke in a Boeing 767 toilet, although I did crash a car once by driving into a wall at 50mph. My excuse was that I was 17 and stupid. The police turned up, used the F-word, and asked my mate who was in the passenger seat if he’d like to press charges against me. Charming! I have since had a deep distrust of the Five-O).

We landed, and US immigration really had their stuff sorted (unlike once, when we stood for a good hour and a half with lots of fat people from Birmingham). We sailed through passport control and customs (our smuggling, as usual, going unnoticed), got our luggage and car (a rather superb gay-blue Hyundai Sonata with soon-to-be broken boot hydraulics, a kind of retro-engineered ocean liner on wheels), and then headed off into the heat mirage of The Swamp.
The villa was cool, spacious and well equipped, the kids full of McDonalds, and after a quick visit to Publix (Pubix, ho ho) for some Budweiser and fine Chardonnay we unpacked and hit the pool. Then slept. Boy, we slept.

Gender Imbalance.

Just took part in the SF Signal "Gender Imbalance in Genre Publishing" Mind Meld discussion. This can be viewed over at: http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006846.html

SF Signal in general is a very fine site and worth checking out at: http://www.sfsignal.com, where you'll find interviews, free fiction, posts and all sorts of news tidbits.

Right. Off to do my packing. All that hairgel won't pack itself.

Born in the USA.

Hitting the US on Friday for a couple of weeks. Florida. Sunshine. Beer. Great beaches. And, um, Mickey Mouse. Damn that Mouse. Anyway, I love the States (this is my fifth visit) and intend to explore Georgia this time, having done NYC, Miami, the Keys, most of Florida in fact. Anybody in Florida who wants to meet for a beer (and to take me shooting, preferably with a HK MP5) then just email me and we can drink many jugs of bud. I'll even pay for bullets! That's how friendly I am. I'll pay for the pizza as well!! What a guy. Anyway, I must admit, it's a great shame I'm leaving behind the bad Manchester weather, the sour faces (the Americans call it our "English Face") and the road rage (there's no road rage in the US, you don't know what the other guy's got in his boot, sorry, trunk) ........ America, here I come!!

Indiana Jones and the Golden Monkey.

Indiana Jones and the Golden Monkey by Joseph Remic, age 5.

Indiana Jones was looking for treasure. He had to jump down into the caves.

In the caves it was dark like night.

Indiana was looking for a golden monkey.

In the caves there were snakes! Indiana used his whip to get the monkey.

He ran away jumping over the traps.

www.tor.com

Over at Tor.com this week they're featuring the fabulous Dave Seeley artwork for War Machine in a variety of downloadable sizes to use as your computer backdrop. Sweet :-).

John Martyn.

I'm currently reading, and thoroughly enjoying, "Some People Are Crazy" about the legendary singer/songwriter/drunk and downright awesome guitarist John Martyn. I definitely recommend this fine piece of literature, which gives a valuable insight into what makes the genius tick, along with some of Martyn's superb and mellow recordings like On the Cobbles and Solid Air.

Check it [them!] out.

Soothing music to write SF horror zombie novels to.....

Match it Pratchett!

Just thought I'd link to the very noble Match It For Pratchett site, over at http://static.forbiddenplanet.com/promo/monqee/ and put in place by Forbidden Planet.

It's a "unique project to raise money for and awareness of the Alzheimer's Research Trust", all a very good cause.

Please support the Monqee!!
Sign up now!!

Facebook!

Finally took the plunge, and opened a Facebook account. Everyone seemed to be doing it, so I thought I would too. So, you can contact me and ask to be my friend. I might smile, and say "Yes! I'll be your friend" or I might be grumpy :-( and say "No, I don't want to be your friend." Whatever, it's better than watching the eternally rubbish Big Brother!!

Search for Andy Remic in Manchester :-)

Helvellyn #2.

Had a blast up Helvellyn in the Lakes yesterday, and can heartily recommend this to anybody who wants to heave their bulks out of their armchairs. Go on, switch off Big Brother/ Lost/ Heroes and drive to Glenridding. There's a bit of work involved, but the views when you stand on Striding Edge are truly spectacular... just be careful not to fall off!!


Much credit must be given to the fat man in orange who followed me and Jake across Striding; he was an amateur, bumbling along, and filled his pants when he came to the chimney descent. But credit to him, he was fat, unfit, and scared to hell, but he gave it a go and was victorius. Well done that fat man in orange!!



After Helvellyn, we blasted on and climbed Catstye Cam (an easy second addition) with the idea we'd eat lunch up there (salted tuna sandwiches, yum), but the unusually humid conditions meant a plague of midgies wanted to share our food, no matter how unappetising, and chased us down the flanks so we had to eat on the move. Then it was me and Jake down to a local hostelry for some grand Old Speckled Hen beer, and jumbo sausage and chips, just to, y'know, keep the blood flowing after 4 hours of tabbing.


As for the pictures:

First, here's me on Striding Edge. And secondly, here's me on Striding Edge. The third photo is of, um, me, stood on, um, Striding Edge. So, two concurrent themes running, that of me, and that of Striding Edge. Vain? Moi? Ha!

And there's me, that's Rem, and Jake, my droog, coming down Swirrel. Some kindly bloke and his Scottish missus took the photo. Hats on!!

Dave Seeley Update.

The absolutely superb multi-talented artist Dave Seeley dropped me a line to let me know he's updated his website http://www.daveseeley.com/ with all his current artwork, which also includes the two covers designs he's created for my novels War Machine and Biohell.

Here, also, are examples of his Luke Skywalker for Del Rey, and an Alien and Predalien. Cool stuff, I think you'll agree.

To see the full range of Dave's artwork, check out his new improved website.

DAN WALSH.

'I get my bum pinched by a tranny, my pocket picked by a grifter and a gun pulled on me by a one-eyed, one-armed midget who’s upset cause I winked at him. These are the days that must happen to you.'

OK. Dan Walsh- the best writer in the world. Period. He has a new book out in July 2008. Buy it. You WILL NOT regret it, I promise, having read his escapades in BIKE magazine for years.

Amazon seem to have the best deal, but you can log on to http://www.dan-walsh.co.uk/ and input the promotional code WALSH. So there.

'Riding a bike removes the need for clutter, toys, rubbish that other men have to take on holiday. If I want adrenaline, I’ll rush a giddy overtake, not rent a jet ski.' The world through the eyes of Dan Walsh is never less than Technicolor, and always uninhibited, rebellious and on the edge. Not since the days of Jupiter's Travels has one man embarked on such an angry, narcotic-fuelled bike trek around the world. 'For me, Chile will always be South America’s supermodel sister – very beautiful but too long, too skinny, and too expensive to ride, and despite the groovy exterior, unpleasantly right-wing underneath.'Dan has travelled the length and breadth of the world; in Africa, on his XT Desert Rat; across the American continent, on a BMW F650 GS Dakar. Along the way he's visited Buenos Aires, where ‘revolutionary’ means the angry poor invading the presidential palace, not a really small phone that’s also a camera. He's crossed the dry sub-Saharan savannah, which is like riding across a piece of toast with a mouthful of crackers. He's been mistaken for a bum in New York, bashed by deadly tequila in Mexico, contracted typhoid in a dilapidated Bolivian hotel, visited The Most Beautiful Road in the World in Peru, been kidnapped in Kenya and finds that downtown Soweto is about as threatening as Stockport. 'I get my bum pinched by a tranny, my pocket picked by a grifter and get a gun pulled on me by a one-eyed, one-armed midget who’s upset cause I winked at him. These are the days that must happen to you.' Soaked in adrenaline and coruscatingly funny, Dan Walsh is the rightful heir to Ted Simon as the pre-eminent biker-rebel of our generation.

HARDCORE.

After much deliberation and consultation with Solaris, the new, official title of my next novel (working title Sick World) is...... HARDCORE. So there. And, yeah, if I get any more butch I'll be joining the Village People... ;-) Patrick.

Brmm brmm.

Thought I'd share with you my new bike. It's pretty low powered, only a Suzuki 650 v-twin, but tuned with a sports can it puts out about 80BHP which is not bad for something that weighs in at 162KG. It'll do 0-60 in about 3.5 seconds, so Ferrari speed, then. I've done the Big Bike Thing, I had a Ducati Monster 900, a 750SS, a Bandit 1200 and an Aprilia RSV-R 1000. However, they just end up sat in the garage costing me money whilst I write bookles. So I went for summat a bit lighter on the crocodile-skin wallet. This bugger only cost me £77 to insure!!, and yet gets to 100MPH 5 times faster than my 1.9TDi Passat. Big GRIN times are a-coming. Knee down, cruise the backstreet bends, take out sportsbike riding monkeys. Hoho.

Liverpool University.

I've been invited to speak to the MA Science Fiction group (+others) tomorrow at Liverpool University, and am very much looking forward to the experience. Andy Sawyer, the MA course leader, also runs/ collates an incredible resource known as The Science Fiction Foundation Collection, and the website is http://www.liv.ac.uk/~asawyer/sffc1.html. I recommend you check it out this minute!!

I have been promised the fee of beer and pizza. Ha! If only they knew how much I can drink (and indeed, eat). I have not been continually referred to as "fat chump" for nothing.

Mind Meld.

I was recently asked to contribute to SF Signal's Mind Meld series. This episode deals with underrated authors... It can be found here http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/006576.html.

Alt Fiction 2008

Ach, have been struck down by Ebola. Or maybe Man Flu. Or certainly something highly toxic to the human organism (that's organism right?!). So the upshot is I won't be attending. But then, I wasn't doing anything, so it doesn't matter. Yeah? And Stross talks enough for 10, nay, 20 SF writers. So that's OK then. :-)

REM of the DEAD

Andy Remic, after a recent infusion of NANOBOTS. See what vanity can do to you? See? See!? I leave you to make your own comments...

GHOSTS.

In recent years I've been a big fan of Nine Inch Nails. Like every other musician with which I engage, I go through phases, and sadly, my NIN phase was killed when I saw them live. £20 to see a stage of dry-ice for 90 minutes is not my idea of fun. However.......

My nephew directed me back to NIN's website recently. Trent Reznor has released a 4-album instrumental work, and you can dowload the first 9 tracks free. Yes! FREE! Cheap as chips!! Then, the next 27 tracks are only $5. Cheaper than a pint of Wife-Beater, my friend.

And... GHOSTS is absolutely ace!! Not some cast-off crap sub-B side recording; but pure genius, and very good to write to (which is unusual for me).

Anyway, check out http://www.nin.com/, and click on GHOSTS.

'Nine Inch Nails presents Ghosts I - IV, a brand new 36 track instrumental collection available right now. Almost two hours of new music composed and recorded over an intense ten week period last fall, Ghosts I - IV sprawls Nine Inch Nails across a variety of new terrain.
Trent Reznor explains, "I've been considering and wanting to make this kind of record for years, but by its very nature it wouldn't have made sense until this point. This collection of music is the result of working from a very visual perspective - dressing imagined locations and scenarios with sound and texture; a soundtrack for daydreams. I'm very pleased with the result and the ability to present it directly to you without interference. I hope you enjoy the first four volumes of Ghosts.'

Hope you enjoy!!

Another Good War Machine Review

Got a friendly email from my mate Ian Watson [author of Orgasmachine and Mockymen, amongst many, many others] telling me about another great review of War Machine, this time in Prism, The Newsletter of the British Fantasy Society, March 2008 http://www.britishfantasysociety.org/. This makes about the eleventh or twelth good review of my book (the only bad one being Saxon Bullock's SFX diatribe), so this made me feel happy in a warm, gooey kind of way. It uses phrases like "The whole is inventive and original, particularly the final showdown" and "Definitely one for fans of Warhammer type stuff, but with more brains (in the writing, not on the floor!".

Thank you very much, Mr Steve Dean!!

Donnie Darko.

Yes yes, I know, I'm late getting round to seeing this movie. But wow, it was worth it. An incredible film, complex, intelligent, beautifuly shot, and with a superb series of twists. Did Donnie really travel the path of his own future and then decide to travel a portal back, thus righting the wrongs he had unintentionally created, whilst at the same time causing those who suffered to glimpse the possibility of their own futures and thus adapt their lifestyles because of this? Or was he simply mad as a silver-headed rabbit? Was Sparrow checking her mail box for Donnie's letter, having seen this in her own future episode? Did she stand in the road continually because she knew she was the catalyst which would cause Donnie's girlfriend's death, and thus send him on a path of redemption, seeking to alter his own past with self-sacrifice and thus spare those around him? Or was he simply an alien-infused human operating at a completely different level to the human shells surrounding him? And what of God? And we have the corruption of our time/space construct by an object from the future which needs to be returned to the future to stop the present ending! Wow wow. What an ace film!!

In contrast, I'm spending quite a bit of time with my mom, who's been released after a 6 month stint in the hospital. Unfortunately, this also meant I had to sit through an episode of Coronation Street yesterday. I haven't seen this crap for about 10 years and- guess what? It has got, if you can believe this, even worse. Never have I seen such appaling acting outside a Big Brother event. Never have I seen such badly concocted dialogue. And the acting! Did I mention the acting? Baboons in wigs would have done better.

So, when offered the gift of laying something memorable down on film, the genius Richard Kelly offers Donnie Darko and.... some muppets waste precious seconds of my life with Coronation Street. Never again, y'hear? Never!!

The Snow Queen Cometh.

I picked up my new Suzuki SV (I'm a sucker for v-twins) yesterday. Need to do 600 miles before I can hammer the f*** out of it to that 11000 redline. Yeah, I thought, I'll stick down a few hundred miles on Sunday... then, WTF! Snow! You're joking! It's damn April... I'm sure our year is out by a few hours. Every year, winter seems to shuffle forward a bit. I'll have to wait till the kids are in school next week now before I put down some mileage- I can feel a trip to Glasgow coming on. What an ace city.

Chronicles of the Necromancer.

I've been invited to do a podcast chat with Gail Z. Martin, author of The Summoner and The Blood King. It's on the subject of censorship, which should be interesting because the stuff I write is subversive and horrific and (in the words of Christian Dunn, sick sick sick), and yet when I was an English teacher I was active in stopping the kiddies writing anything subversive and horrific and sick sick sick... we'll see what happens, anyway. It's also interesting to note that I was recently censored (sob!) in my latest novel BIOHELL, which is currently "in-edit". They took out my zombie sex scene. The heathens! What's the matter with you people? Can't you handle some funky human on zombie action??

Gail's website is at http://www.chroniclesofthenecromancer.com/page/page/3827767.htm and the podcast should be published there shortly after Tuesday 8th April.

Blue Monday.

I’ve been reading Jeffrey Thomas’ Blue War recently, and I’m very impressed. Tightly written, intricately plotted, and moodily evocative with brooding blue jungle and the expanding threat of the cloned city, I’m enjoying this fine piece of SF thoroughly. Jeremy Stake is as gritty and tough as usual, and a fine character with which to empathise/ sympathise (although, bizarrely, he reminds me of ol’ rubber face himself, Rowan Atkinson). I’ll give you my full verdict when I’ve finished the text, but I’m a slow reader (I like to absorb, baby, absorb!!).

I’d also like to point out that I’m not a critic, and certainly not arrogant enough to presume my point of view is worthwhile in the public domain. Hey, I leave that to the professional critics. And I only highlight works I’ve enjoyed; after all, and plagiarising the words of Stephen King, if there’s something I don’t like then my mamma gave me the good grace to keep my damn mouth shut.

But… if you haven’t yet, then check out Blue War. Recommended!!

What I Did On My Holidays

Eastercon 2008

Unfortunately, I could only attend the con on Saturday, which was a great shame because the whole place was a bustle of interest and activity, and I would have loved to sample much more!! However, with two young boys, I couldn’t miss them on Easter Sunday stuffing their faces with chocolate, could I??

So, where to begin? For a start, this was apparently the best attended Eastercon for many a decade, and the bustle reminded me of Worldcon in Glasgow, 2005. There were plenty of friendly faces, and I hooked up initially with Ian Sales (budding SF writer http://justhastobeplausible.blogspot.com/) and shortly afterwards, the Heavy Boys from Solaris (http://www.solarisbooks.com/), namely Christian Dunn and Mark Newton. Also present was Tony Ballantyne (http://www.tonyballantyne.com/) fellow teacher (well, Dep. Head!!) and Solaris author, Eric Brown (website currently under construction, I think) author of the fabulous Helix and Kethani and all round curry-aficionado. We were shortly joined by the cool and collected Jim Swallow (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/redwingproject/main.htm), author of many Star Trek and Doctor Who novels and a guy I was fascinated to learn was working on the story of the upcoming Eidos game, Deus Ex 3. Being a bit of a game-head, I loved Jim’s tales of being flown out to Montreal and chatting to designers who worked on one of my fave games of all time, Half Life 2. Jammy b******. Also had a chat with the esteemed editor-turned agent John Jarrold (http://www.johnjarrold.co.uk/) who regaled me with a tale from the David Gemmell years :-).

During a visit to the dealer’s room, I was head-hunted by Danacea (http://danacea.blogspot.com/) of Forbidden Planet to sign her bust. No, really. A kind of plastic statue thing called MonQee destined to be auctioned and proceeds donated to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s; a very noble cause. I’m not sure quite why Charles Stross signed MonQee’s arse, but having taken the prime spot, I was forced to sign its head (and no, not the head Newtie proposed, the plump £100-jacket-wearing freak…)

After many beers, and a trip out for a late lunch, and more beers and fleeting meetings with Donna Scott of Visionary Tongue (www.visionarytongue.co.uk) who’s just edited/ published my short story VACHINE (and yeah, Mark, donut-boy, it is spelt right) and a whole host of other nice people, we were joined by dapper chappy James Lovegrove (http://www.jameslovegrove.com/), fresh off a panel and ready for food. A thoroughly nice chap, and along with Eric, Christian, Mark, Ian, and a whole big bunch of writer-types we suffered a long freezing trek through the wilds of Heathrow to an Indian restaurant that served fine food aplenty (and much wine :-) ).

Back to the con for more drinkies with the likes of intellectual angryman Ian Watson (http://www.ianwatson.info/) who I love to bits, but really, he is absolutely barking mad in a really-cool-and-clever-sort-of-way, and then on to the famed Scandinavian party where I was forced to drink some toxic shite by the name of wormwood or deathwood or something; anyway, it was paint-stripper. No wonder all the Scandys (hello Anders!) had Big Beards. Reeling from that alcoholic blow, we (a rag-tag band of drunken heroes) somehow staggered to the disco, a kind of 80s school throwback playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller and other travesties of music. ‘Twas here I had the pleasure of meeting Saxon Bullock (http://www.saxonbullock.com/) who’s just been signed by John Jarrold with his first novel Hyperion Gambit, which I hear is quite good. Saxon was the guy who wrote a scathing review of my recent novel War Machine, and so, tempting as it was to break his fingers, he did turn out to be a really nice guy, although it has to be said, he cannot dance. Ho ho. I have the video to prove it. Honest. I will auction to the highest bidder.

The evening rounded off in drunken merriment, and although I was going to mooch about on Sunday and sign up for Alt Fiction, I was struck by a terrible vomiting bug, obviously caught from one of the wormwood-quaffing Scandys, and absolutely nothing at all to do with the amount of grog I grogged. Anyway, spent the following morning reeling around in bed like a pathetic little girl. The new hardman of science fiction? Yeah. Right. I cried like a baby. Still, I’m sure I’ll be back on form for Alt Fiction in April!!

Orbital 2008

A big hello to anybody tripping down to London for Orbital 2008 this weekend. Should be a good gig, with lots of big names and if you see me stood at the bar, swaying, then come and say hello! I promise I won't chainsaw your fingers off! I'm looking forward to meeting Christian and Mark, the guys from Solaris, and my agent Dorothy who's coming up from Torquay. Then there's the indomitable rollercoaster steampunk-engine who is Charlie Stross, who's always a slice of academic comedy, and Juliette McKenna, Paul McCauley and James Barclay, all highly talented writers. I'm also looking forward to meeting Saxon Bullocks, newcomer, and of course Jonathan McCalmont, who used to run the fine SF Diplomat website and is supposed to be meeting me for drinkies, but I've a feeling he won't show....... Still, there's always Newtie, light-weight drinker he might be, and Ian Sales with his highly dodgy camera action......

Can't wait!!

Quake...

Orbit have just reprinted QUAKE with a cool glossy cover; must be having a new spurt of sales on the back of War Machine, I think. So, if you're a completist collector, whip out and snap up a new copy!! You'd be a fool to miss this!!

"... a free-for-all punch-up, relentless and breathless and hugely enjoyable, and for no extra cost it's all held together by a clever storyline. A good read? Most definitely!" -SFRevu on QUAKE

"A hard-talkin', hard swearin', hard-fightin' chunk of military sci-fi." -SFX on QUAKE

On an Earth where conventional armies are powerless to defend against the devastation wrought by single assassins, the secret organisation Spiral exists to fight a shadow war against fanatics and rogue states of every persuasion. Of every country and of none, Spiral operates throughout the world in an endless battle for humanity's survival.

But now Spiral's toughest operative, Carter, faces a terrifying new challenge. A machine has been developed that can hold the world to ransom: capable of wreaking seismic havoc, causing earthquakes and eruptions on a global scale.

It must be destroyed - and Carter must do it alone.

Helvellyn

Did Helvellyn on Thursday, I think it's my favourite mountain because it looks so stunning and brutal (although Crib Goch is much scarier!). Had a lot of mist on this climb, unfortunately, but here are a few pics giving a little flavour...

This is Striding Edge, the rocky ridge you have to traverse to get to the main stack of the mountain. The wind was pretty hairy, like poking your head up into No Man's Land. Still, made for some exciting trekking.

Ice-axe saved my life. No, seriously, the corniches on top were soft and sloppy, and my trusty magical AI ice-axe paid for itself during a 5 minute final scramble. Nearly slid off that damn edge as well!! Ho ho.

This edge, in fact. One wrong step- and waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! A thousand foot pancake splat. Never underestimate the mountain.Here's the main stack, viewed on the way down as the mist had lifted a little. And below, a picture of Red Tarn from the top [although it's not my picture/ but I have been up in these conditions and it's truly stunning!! Ice-axe a necessity!!].